[Single piano chord] [HOST – intimately] Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome... Come inside. Don't be nervous. Well... Not yet. [Small cabaret flourish] Welcome to bee-mek! Welcome through the door! Whatever you've come here to see— We'll help you see some more! I'm your host, Your humble guide, So kindly follow me— There's rather more behind these doors Than you might think you'd see! [Music kicks into jaunty cabaret tempo] [HOST] Ground floor! Turn this way— Eye Casualty! For flashes, floaters, painful eyes And ocular calamity! [ENSEMBLE] Casualty! [HOST] Main Out-patients! Take a seat, Your clinic's somewhere here— [PATIENT] How long? [HOST] We never spoil The atmosphere, my dear. [Orchestral sting] And here— BOATERS! Coffee, tea, A welcome place to stop! [ENSEMBLE] Bostin'! [HOST] Quite. But don't get too comfortable— Your clinic might pop up! [REFRAIN] Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome to bee-mek! Come wandering through our corridors, There's plenty here to see! Your retina, your pressure, Every ocular defect— Whatever brings you through the doors, Welcome to bee-mek! [Cabaret dance break] [HOST] Optometry! Letters please— [PATIENT] E... F... P... T... O... Z? [HOST] Splendid! Visual Function measures What those clever eyes can do— Your fields, your vision, colour— They'll investigate them too! Now Glaucoma! Pressure rising? Don't you fret! We measure, scan and scrutinise That precious optic nerve! [HOST – grandly] Medical Retina! [ENSEMBLE] Ooooooh! [HOST] Photography! [Camera click] Laser! [Zap] Scans! [Camera click] [HOST] They'll photograph your retina From every possible angle— [PATIENT] Do I smile? [HOST] Only if your macula Is feeling photogenic. [Orchestral flourish] [HOST] And now... We ascend! [Music rises] First floor! Orthoptics— Where eyes learn who's the boss! Up here the Academic Unit Contemplates— [ACADEMIC] Data! [HOST] Of course. Operating theatres! [ENSEMBLE] Ooooooh! [HOST] Where cataracts depart! Day Surgery sends you home again With drops— [PATIENT] How many? [HOST] Don't start. [Music accelerates] And further down— The Centre for Inflammatory Eye Disease! For ocular surface disease and you-vee-EYE-tis, Steroids, scans, Immunosuppressive therapies! [ENSEMBLE] Pemphigoid and You-vee-EYE-tis! [HOST] Very good. And finally, Our In-patient Ward, For those who need to stay— We've travelled through The whole of bee-mek In one exhausting day! [Music pauses] [PATIENT] Where's my clinic? [HOST] Ground floor. [PATIENT] Where are we? [HOST] First floor. [PATIENT] Oh. [HOST] Welcome to bee-mek. [Big cabaret reprise] [ALL] WILLKOMMEN! BIENVENUE! WELCOME TO BEE-MEK! FOR EVERY EYE AND EVERY SIGHT THAT SOMEBODY MUST CHECK! FROM CASUALTY TO THEATRES, FROM YOUR RETINA TO YOUR SPECS, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING HAPPENING INSIDE OF BEE-MEK! [HOST] So take your letter, Take your seat, And listen for your name— You may come in with blurry sight... [ENSEMBLE] But you'll never leave the same! [HOST] Well... Hopefully. [Huge cabaret flourish] [ALL] WELCOME TO BEE-MEK! [Music stops] [HOST – quietly] Next patient, please.
