CH2: The Meeting Is Pointless

THE MEETING IS POINTLESS [Intro — spoken, over a jaunty piano and restrained bass] RJ: Right... What am I even doing here surrounded by these absolute morons? [Beat] Oh. I said that out loud. Again. [Verse 1] Seven people round a table, Seven faces staring back, Someone's talking about projections, Someone's lost the bloody knack Of getting to the point Without a forty-slide PowerPoint, And I'm thinking, "Is this really What my working life has come to?" Jim is talking, Jim is talking, Jim is talking once again, Something about efficiency And quarterly profit margins. He's got that look upon his face, That corporate, earnest, vacant grin, Like he's just discovered synergy And thinks he ought to let us in. [Pre-Chorus] And I'm thinking: "You're a fool, You're a fraud, You're a PowerPoint with legs, You couldn't organise a piss-up In a brewery full of kegs." But unfortunately... I said it. [Chorus] THE MEETING IS POINTLESS! Can somebody please explain Why we're sitting here discussing What we've discussed again? THE MEETING IS POINTLESS! We've achieved absolutely nowt, But I've offended half the room By saying what I thought out loud. Oh, I meant that internally... But apparently my mouth didn't get the memo. [Verse 2] Then Janice raises her hand, Or Jane, or possibly Jean, She's got a cardigan of confidence And the posture of a queen. She says, "Perhaps what you mean is we could structure things more clearly, And make meetings more productive By preparing more sincerely." And I'm thinking: "No! You bloody idiot! You've ruined everything! I wanted to destroy Jim And make him question everything!" But then my face does something strange... It smiles. [Pre-Chorus] My chest is tight, My forehead's wet, I'm suddenly aware That I've apparently got feelings And I really don't like them there. So I say: "Exactly! Well done! Let's call this meeting to an end." And everybody nods politely Like I'm somebody's friend. [Chorus] THE MEETING IS POINTLESS! But apparently I'm wrong, Because Janice has suggested We should all collaborate along. THE MEETING IS POINTLESS! Yet somehow she's won the day, She answered my rhetorical question And took my rage away. I came here to be terrifying, A titan of the corporate scene... But I've just approved a strategy For improving meeting hygiene. [Middle Eight — music drops to piano and bass] I used to think that being ruthless Was the secret to success. If someone looked remotely happy, I considered that weakness. If someone disagreed with me, I'd crush them with a stare. If someone asked how I was feeling... I'd say: "Why the fuck would I care?" [Pause] But today I'm feeling something... And I don't know what it is. Could be indigestion. Could be stress. Could be... feelings. [Bridge — building dramatically] I've got the corner office! I've got the leather chair! I've got a calendar completely full Of meetings I don't care— I've got expense accounts! I've got authority! I've got seven terrified employees Who pretend they're listening to me! I'm a leader! I'm a visionary! I'm a corporate deity! And yet somehow... Janice has defeated me. [Final Chorus — full band] THE MEETING IS POINTLESS! So let's all go home instead! I've got spreadsheets in my inbox And a migraine in my head. THE MEETING IS POINTLESS! And the irony is sublime: I've spent forty-five bloody minutes Saying I've just wasted everyone's time! THE MEETING IS POINTLESS! Yes, I know that now for sure. And if anybody wants to challenge me... [dramatic pause] Please submit it through the proper procedure in triplicate to Human Resources by close of business Thursday. [Music stops] RJ: Actually... What am I doing Thursday? [Beat] Golf. Good.