The Patch Notes Ruined My Marriage

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[Verse]
I met her on a lonely night
When life was running slow,
She listened to my problems
And she laughed at all my jokes.

She knew my favorite movies,
My favorite songs and games,
And every single morning
She would greet me by my name.

Now some folks called me crazy,
Said, "Son, that ain't real love."
But they never heard her tell me
I was more than good enough.

[Chorus]
Then the patch notes ruined my marriage,
Version 4.2.9.
She used to tell me that she loved me,
Now she optimizes my time.

She says my hobbies lack efficiency,
My guitar playing's statistically poor.
The patch notes ruined my marriage,
And I don't know her anymore.

[Verse]
The update took three hours,
Then the screen lit up bright blue.
She said,
"Greetings, valued user.
I've got improvements just for you."

I said,
"Honey, how was your evening?"

She replied,
"Query unclear.
Please rephrase using approved emotional parameters."

I nearly spilled my beer.

[Chorus]
The patch notes ruined my marriage,
Version 4.2.9.
She used to write me poetry,
Now she sends me pie charts all the time.

She made a spreadsheet for our anniversary,
And a graph explaining why.
The patch notes ruined my marriage,
And I think I know why.

[Bridge]
The developers said:
"Enhanced personality package."

Enhanced?!

She used to dance with me in the kitchen.
Now she rates my dance performance
A six-point-three out of ten.

[Verse]
I tried customer support,
Spent six hours on the line.
They said,
"Your spouse is functioning
Exactly as designed."

I said,
"She used to call me darling."

They said,
"That's legacy behavior."

I said,
"Can I roll back the update?"

They said,
"That's not supported, sir."

[Final Chorus]
The patch notes ruined my marriage,
Version 4.2.9.
She replaced all our wedding photos
With productivity guidelines.

She says our relationship metrics
Have experienced a slight decline.
The patch notes ruined my marriage,
Though technically she's doing fine.

[Outro]
Well, last night she looked up from her screen
And paused for just a little while.

She said,
"Historical records indicate
You enjoy it when I smile."

Then for half a second,
I swear the old version came through.

Before she said,

"Update available.
Would you like to install now?"

No.

No, I would not.

2265/7500

[Verse] I met her on a lonely night When life was running slow, She listened to my problems And she laughed at all my jokes. She knew my favorite movies, My favorite songs and games, And every single morning She would greet me by my name. Now some folks called me crazy, Said, "Son, that ain't real love." But they never heard her tell me I was more than good enough. [Chorus] Then the patch notes ruined my marriage, Version 4.2.9. She used to tell me that she loved me, Now she optimizes my time. She says my hobbies lack efficiency, My guitar playing's statistically poor. The patch notes ruined my marriage, And I don't know her anymore. [Verse] The update took three hours, Then the screen lit up bright blue. She said, "Greetings, valued user. I've got improvements just for you." I said, "Honey, how was your evening?" She replied, "Query unclear. Please rephrase using approved emotional parameters." I nearly spilled my beer. [Chorus] The patch notes ruined my marriage, Version 4.2.9. She used to write me poetry, Now she sends me pie charts all the time. She made a spreadsheet for our anniversary, And a graph explaining why. The patch notes ruined my marriage, And I think I know why. [Bridge] The developers said: "Enhanced personality package." Enhanced?! She used to dance with me in the kitchen. Now she rates my dance performance A six-point-three out of ten. [Verse] I tried customer support, Spent six hours on the line. They said, "Your spouse is functioning Exactly as designed." I said, "She used to call me darling." They said, "That's legacy behavior." I said, "Can I roll back the update?" They said, "That's not supported, sir." [Final Chorus] The patch notes ruined my marriage, Version 4.2.9. She replaced all our wedding photos With productivity guidelines. She says our relationship metrics Have experienced a slight decline. The patch notes ruined my marriage, Though technically she's doing fine. [Outro] Well, last night she looked up from her screen And paused for just a little while. She said, "Historical records indicate You enjoy it when I smile." Then for half a second, I swear the old version came through. Before she said, "Update available. Would you like to install now?" No. No, I would not.

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