I Ain’t Been Good This Year

[Intro — sleigh bells, fiddle, honky-tonk piano] Well, Santa, save the reindeer Don’t bother with my roof I’ve seen that little list you keep And most of it is true [Verse 1] I told a lady after church Her perfume smelled like Raid Then told the preacher “Nice sermon” Though I slept through half the thing I took the last deviled egg At the church potluck in May Then blamed it on Miss Betty Lord, she’s ninety-eight anyway I told my cousin her new man Was punching way uphill Then asked him how his divorce was going His wife was standing there still [Pre-Chorus] So don’t come jinglin’ down my chimney Like there’s something left to save Me and December both know Exactly how I behaved [Chorus] I ain’t been good this year I ain’t even gonna lie You can take my name off that nice list And just keep drivin’ by Give my presents to somebody Who deserves that Christmas cheer Save yourself the trouble, Santa I ain’t been good this year [Post-Chorus] Nope. Not even close. Keep it movin’, Rudolph. [Verse 2] I keyed “LEARN HOW TO PARK” in dust Across a stranger’s Chevrolet I told my boss “That sounds important” Then clocked out anyway I sent a screenshot to the person I was screenshotting for my friend And when they asked me what it meant I said, “Exactly what I sent” I told a woman at the Walmart “Your child’s got quite a set of lungs” She said, “He’s only four years old” I said, “Well, four ain’t all that young” [Pre-Chorus] I know you see me when I’m sleeping And you know when I’m awake So frankly, sir, between us two We both know that feels fake [Chorus] I ain’t been good this year There ain’t no case to plead I’ve said some things that Jesus heard And probably didn’t need So put some coal down in my stocking Hell, I’ll use it on the grill You can skip my house completely Santa, I promise that I will [Bridge — half-time, playful] I said “Bless your heart” And did not mean bless Said “I’ll pray for you” And meant “You’re a mess” Said “No offense” Then caused some anyway Said “Merry Christmas” to my ex Then blocked him Christmas Day I drank the bourbon meant for baking Opened one gift Christmas Eve Told my family traffic was awful When I just didn’t wanna leave [Breakdown — piano + sleigh bells] So Santa… I’ve been thinking. Maybe we don’t need to make this awkward. You know what I did. I know what I did. Jesus definitely knows what I did. [Extra Verse] Santa, you know I like to read You bring me Stephen King But I’ve been such a villain Guess I don’t deserve the good stuff this spring— Trade Castle Rock and Derry For Maplewood Falls instead Danny Johnson writes books, y’all know that? …Wonder if they sell ’em on Temu yet? [Final Chorus — full band] I ain’t been good this year And baby, that’s okay I had eleven months to straighten up And pissed ’em all away So give the good girls diamonds Give the good boys fishing gear You can cross ol’ Janice off the route I ain’t been good this year [Outro — fiddle, piano, sleigh bells] It’s okay, Santa. No worries. I’ll buy my own shit this year. It’s fine. [spoken, fading] …Amazon delivers Christmas Eve, right?