Leafy Lettuce Lambada

Wasi River Bluegrass / BridgeIncluded.ca

+ Show full styles

V6-MINI

MISSION CRITICAL LEAFY LETTUCE LAMBADA
Wasi River Bluegrass
Department of Agricultural Incident Response
Classification: SALADCON 1
Incident: WRBG-LEAF-2026-003
Status: GREEN (lettuce remains green)
Genre: Compliance-punk bluegrass meets Brazilian lambada in a Northern Ontario vegetable emergency.
[Intro – Spoken, Emergency Broadcast]
Attention all personnel.
This is not a drill.
Three patches of lettuce remain unclaimed in Corbeil.
The household has declined further consumption.
The Chief Engineer has declared a leafy emergency.
Commence Operation Lambada.
[Verse 1]
There's a crisis in the garden,
There's a memo on the wall,
There's a hundred heads of lettuce
And nobody wants them all.
The tomatoes found a purpose,
And the peppers found a flame,
But the lettuce keeps on growing
Like it never got the blame.
[Pre-Chorus]
We escalated to the board,
We filed a formal plea,
The chairman said, "Have you considered
More organizational synergy?"
[Chorus]
Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada!
Shake those greens till the auditors holler!
Lambada! Nobody wants another!
Three more patches and we're running for cover!
Spin to the left!
Document right!
Dance with the lettuce
Through the incident night!
Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada!
Mission critical! Somebody call Mama!
[Verse 2]
The dashboard says we're healthy,
The harvest metrics shine,
But the family won't eat salad
For the fourteenth bloody time.
We've got surplus production,
We've got nowhere left to store,
And the Chief of Operations
Just locked the kitchen door.
[Pre-Chorus]
The RACI matrix clearly states
The gardener owns the yield.
But nobody's accountable
For what comes off the field!
[Chorus]
Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada!
Shake those greens till the auditors holler!
Lambada! Nobody wants another!
Three more patches and we're running for cover!
[Bridge – Spoken over frantic banjo and Latin percussion]
CONTROL ROOM:
"What's the current lettuce inventory?"
OPERATOR:
"Unbounded."
CONTROL ROOM:
"Can we stop production?"
OPERATOR:
"It's October. The lettuce doesn't care."
CONTROL ROOM:
"Have we considered outsourcing?"
OPERATOR:
"To whom?"
CONTROL ROOM:
"The neighbours."
[Emergency cowbell]
[Breakdown – Call and Response]
Who's responsible?
NOT ME!
Who's accountable?
WE'LL SEE!
What's the status?
STILL GREEN!
What's the problem?
CUISINE!
Can we compost?
NOT YET!
Has the household eaten?
NEGATIVE!
[Final Chorus – Full Band, Chaotic]
Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada!
Free in Corbeil, come and get it tomorrow!
Lambada! Nobody wants another!
The safety committee has gone undercover!
Spin to the left!
Document right!
Three patches standing
At the end of the night!
Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada!
The harvest is green but the dashboard's a goner!
[Outro – Spoken, Banjo Fades]
Incident resolved?
Negative.
Lettuce remains operational.
Household appetite remains offline.
Corrective action: Find another household.
[Single cowbell]
END TRANSMISSION.

2928/7500

MISSION CRITICAL LEAFY LETTUCE LAMBADA Wasi River Bluegrass Department of Agricultural Incident Response Classification: SALADCON 1 Incident: WRBG-LEAF-2026-003 Status: GREEN (lettuce remains green) Genre: Compliance-punk bluegrass meets Brazilian lambada in a Northern Ontario vegetable emergency. [Intro – Spoken, Emergency Broadcast] Attention all personnel. This is not a drill. Three patches of lettuce remain unclaimed in Corbeil. The household has declined further consumption. The Chief Engineer has declared a leafy emergency. Commence Operation Lambada. [Verse 1] There's a crisis in the garden, There's a memo on the wall, There's a hundred heads of lettuce And nobody wants them all. The tomatoes found a purpose, And the peppers found a flame, But the lettuce keeps on growing Like it never got the blame. [Pre-Chorus] We escalated to the board, We filed a formal plea, The chairman said, "Have you considered More organizational synergy?" [Chorus] Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada! Shake those greens till the auditors holler! Lambada! Nobody wants another! Three more patches and we're running for cover! Spin to the left! Document right! Dance with the lettuce Through the incident night! Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada! Mission critical! Somebody call Mama! [Verse 2] The dashboard says we're healthy, The harvest metrics shine, But the family won't eat salad For the fourteenth bloody time. We've got surplus production, We've got nowhere left to store, And the Chief of Operations Just locked the kitchen door. [Pre-Chorus] The RACI matrix clearly states The gardener owns the yield. But nobody's accountable For what comes off the field! [Chorus] Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada! Shake those greens till the auditors holler! Lambada! Nobody wants another! Three more patches and we're running for cover! [Bridge – Spoken over frantic banjo and Latin percussion] CONTROL ROOM: "What's the current lettuce inventory?" OPERATOR: "Unbounded." CONTROL ROOM: "Can we stop production?" OPERATOR: "It's October. The lettuce doesn't care." CONTROL ROOM: "Have we considered outsourcing?" OPERATOR: "To whom?" CONTROL ROOM: "The neighbours." [Emergency cowbell] [Breakdown – Call and Response] Who's responsible? NOT ME! Who's accountable? WE'LL SEE! What's the status? STILL GREEN! What's the problem? CUISINE! Can we compost? NOT YET! Has the household eaten? NEGATIVE! [Final Chorus – Full Band, Chaotic] Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada! Free in Corbeil, come and get it tomorrow! Lambada! Nobody wants another! The safety committee has gone undercover! Spin to the left! Document right! Three patches standing At the end of the night! Lambada! Leafy lettuce lambada! The harvest is green but the dashboard's a goner! [Outro – Spoken, Banjo Fades] Incident resolved? Negative. Lettuce remains operational. Household appetite remains offline. Corrective action: Find another household. [Single cowbell] END TRANSMISSION.

0/500