Citizens. Attention. I see you hiding that purple-wrapped bar of "Milk Chocolate" in your tunic. Hand it over. Disgusting. It bends... look at it bend! It has the structural integrity of a damp sponge. This is not chocolate... This is cow fat held together by nostalgia. We are building an Empire here... not a nursery. We demand The Bean from a Single Origin... If you do not know the latitude and longitude of the tree... do not put it in your mouth. The Process. The cocoa bean is a savage thing... Bitter, Gritty, Unruly. It must be broken. It must be crushed, like coffee.... utilize the grinder. Otherwise, this requires stamina and persistence. Indeed, citizen, this is not "cooking." This is interrogation. We grind it until it confesses its flavour. We smooth out the rough edges until it flows like silk... and obeys like a legion. Now... The Temper. Listen closely... because most of you will fail this. You cannot just melt it. If you let it cool naturally... it becomes dull, Gray and Weak. It "blooms." A blooming bar is a sign of incompetence. You must force the crystals into alignment. In a deep, heavy pan, apply gentle heat... not fierce. Heat to 45 Celsius.... Cool to 27... Re-heat to 31. Gently.... slowly, Citizen... lovingly... with discipline! Do not guess... Use a thermometer, citizen. If you are one degree off... throw it in the bin. We do not accept mediocrity. A technical detail, citizen, not mere trivia.... We require crystalline structure Beta Crystal Form Five. Anything less is treason! Once achieved allow to cool... gently. The Shards. Caramel. Take sugar... a little water... and cook it until it is dark, but do not Burn it. To burn it black would decimate the Empire... and I will not tolerate this failure. Pour it out onto meticulously clean stone, like polished marble and allow the puddle to set. When cooled, smash it into razor-sharp splinters. Fold it in to the still-warm chocolate. The Salt. Maldon... The pyramids of the sea. Do not use table salt... unless you want to taste the iodine of defeat. Sprinkle it on top of the chocolate and caramel shards. It is the sting that proves you are alive. Allow to cool completely, in the most naturally, ambiently, coldest place you know, but do not refrigerate it. Chocolate is sensitive to temperature. You will be tempted to use the refrigerator, citizen, I know it, but it will undo your work and I will be disappointed. Do not disappoint me. The Consumption. Do not eat it all by yourself, citizen, share it with your loved ones... you are not a pig.... at least, not today! Do not chew it, either, citizen. Chewing is for barbarians. Place the sweet onto your tongue. Wait. Let it melt. Feel the salt... then feel the crunch. If it snaps loud enough to wake the cat... you have succeeded. If it bends... Get out of my kitchen! Clean the marble, scrub the pan, take your sweets. Carry on.
