Enough

My keys stay in the left pocket now. The right one still fools my hand. Every morning I stop outside the apartment. It's always the same pause. Not because I expect anything to happen. Because my body still asks the question before my mind does. Open it. Enough. The florist changed the display yesterday. I noticed that before I noticed the weather. Before I noticed the people walking past me. Before I noticed I was standing still again. The traffic light clicks twice. I wait for the second sound. Nobody knows I do that. Nobody would care. I know. That cannot be normal. Maybe I have a problem. It bothers me... Platform three always smells different on Mondays. Why do I remember that? Why is that still breathing? I couldn't tell you what you wore the last time I saw you. I had to guess your laugh this morning. I hate admitting that. I know that pigeon. Every morning... Same place... It limps before the train arrives. Listen to you... Listen to you... Please... Just get on the train... I remember receipts from restaurants that don't exist anymore. I protected everything except the things I wanted. That has to mean something. Doesn't it? I rewrote that conversation again. How many times now? Twenty? Fifty? Who cares... You were calmer this time. I answered differently. You smiled more. I apologized sooner. You forgave me. Then I remembered... None of that happened. Not one sentence. Not one look. Not one second. I keep repairing memories that were never damaged. I keep repainting myself inside events that already ended. Who exactly am I trying to convince? Listen to yourself... No... Actually... Don't. GET UP! It's our station... I counted days. I opened your number. I stared at it. I closed it. I almost believed that counted as progress. Look at you... Stupid. STUPID. STUPID. I spent so much time trying not to lose you... I never noticed I was losing myself instead. Maybe that's what grief really is. Not forgetting someone. Forgetting who you were before they left. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Maybe I've been asking the wrong question from the beginning. Maybe there wasn't a question at all. But no question... means... No answer? Leave the window alone. Today is only today. It doesn't owe you anything. Neither do you. Walk. That's enough. Tomorrow will probably feel the same. I'll probably stop outside this door again. I'll probably notice that pigeon again. I'll probably think about calling again. Maybe one morning... I won't. We'll see.