[Spoken Intro – Pip & Fattyfoot] Pip: Alright, who here believes in true love? Fattyfoot? Fattyfoot: Wrong bar, friend. Tonight we believe in bad decisions and worse magic. Both: This one’s about Bumfry Doodle! [Verse 1 – Pip] I knew a wizard, Bumfry Doodle, robes like moldy wine Nice enough fellow, but his runes refused to stand in line He saw an elf maid at the bar, hips like hourglass sand Said “I’ll cast a love spell!” we said “Please… use your hands.” [Verse 1 – Fattyfoot] He cracked that crusty spellbook, lit candles round the loo Meant to whisper “warm embrace” but he shouted “swarm of dace!” on cue Now fish are flopping in the ale, there’s a trout in someone’s shoe And the elf maid’s laughing so hard she snorted foamy brew [Pre-Chorus – Both] He can’t keep letters in a row But by the keg we swear and know When Bumfry starts to chant and shout You drink up quick… or you black out [Chorus – Both / Crowd] Both: Oh Bumfry Doodle, what did you do Tried to spark romance, now the bar’s a zoo Tables on fire, keg doing a jig Elf maid fine, but the goat’s too big Pip: If he opens that book, you step way back Fattyfoot: ‘Cause love never lands where he aims the attack Both: When he mutters soft by the candle rack We all yell, “NO!” …then watch the show Of a Bumfry Doodle love spell attack [Verse 2 – Fattyfoot] He tried again behind the inn, moon shining on the muck Meant to cast “eternal charm” but read “internal farmed-up duck” Now there’s poultry in the pantry, mayor’s wig just laid an egg And a spectral chicken’s courting the landlord’s wooden leg [Verse 2 – Pip] He aimed a glamour at the girl, to make his clumsy heart look bold Misread the glyph and suddenly the whole damn street turned old Wrinkles on the signboard, wrinkles on the horse Except Bumfry’s backside, which got younger… Fattyfoot: …of course [Pre-Chorus – Both] He squints at runes, they spin around Like tavern coins across the ground And every time he tries again We gain a story, lose a friend [Chorus – Both / Crowd] Both: Oh Bumfry Doodle, what did you do You aimed for “kiss” and got “public loo” Toilets levitate, pants vanish on cue Barmaid’s tipsy, but the priest is too Pip: If he winks at you, don’t you wink back Fattyfoot: That wink might trigger a thunderclap quack Both: When he flips that page with his shaky hand The whole damn tavern Changes plan In a Bumfry Doodle love-spell-that-ain’t-quite-love band [Bridge – Pip & Fattyfoot Back-and-Forth] Pip: Remember when he tried a “modest blush”? Fattyfoot: And cast “explosive laundry rush”? Now underwear flew through the square Like battle flags of wear and tear Pip: Or “halo ‘round her lovely brow”? Fattyfoot: Came out “holy cow right now” We still drink milk from Bessie’s shrine It’s eighty proof and borderline Pip: One more spell, he swore last week Fattyfoot: “I’ll make her swoon, I’ll be unique!” Pip: He slurred the glyph, the air went thick Fattyfoot: And we all woke up… Both: Married to a brick [Breakdown – Addressing the Crowd] Pip: So if he offers you a love charm, say… Crowd: NO! Fattyfoot: But if he offers you a drink, say… Crowd: TWO! Both: ‘Cause the spells will wreck your evening But the story’s worth the brew [Final Chorus – Both / Crowd] Both: Oh Bumfry Doodle, what did you do You chased one elf and cursed the whole crew He’ll never get the wording tight But gods above, what a perfect night Pip: If you hear him chant in the corner shack Fattyfoot: Tip your mug and guard your snack Both: ‘Cause love might miss, but chaos hits smack When Bumfry Doodle Bumfry Doodle Bumfry Doodle Launches another love spell attack! [Tag – Spoken] Pip: To Bumfry, patron saint of poor choices. Fattyfoot: May his letters never line up… and our tabs never come due.
