Crooked as a Candy Cane” (Verse 1) I’m wigglin’ on a ladder like a drunk reindeer, Tryin’ to hang the lights I should’ve hung last year. Got one hand on the gutter, one hand on a beer, If OSHA saw this mess, I’d disappear. Baby sticks her head out sayin’, “You alright?” “Yeah, if sideways lights count as bright!” (Chorus) Hang the Christmas lights and drink a beer— ’Cause everything looks better after two or three here. I swear I hung ’em straight, but honey come near… ’Cause all this shit looks crooked here! It’s a holiday miracle we still got power, dear— ’Cause damn, this whole house looks crooked here! (Verse 2) My inflatable Santa just face-planted the lawn, And the candy canes lean like they’ve been up since dawn. The neighbor’s display looks like Times Square’s glow— Mine looks like a yard sale covered in snow. Even the cat shook his head and walked away— That furry jerk judges me every holiday. (Chorus) Hang the Christmas lights and drink a beer— If the cops drive by, tell ’em “Merry Christmas, cheers!” I’m workin’ real hard, but it’s clear this year… All this shit looks crooked here! Santa might skip our house outta pure fear— ’Cause, girl… these lights are crooked here! (Bridge) You say, “Maybe stop drinkin’ till you’re done?” But where’s the joy in that? That ain’t fun! Besides… this whole street needed some laughs— And my lights are crooked by popular demand! (Final Chorus) Hang the Christmas lights and drink a beer— It’s our family tradition, loud and clear. From the roof to the yard, let’s give a cheer— For the most beautifully crooked Christmas of the year!
