[Intro: A cheerful supermarket tannoy chime (Ding-Dong!), followed by a bouncy, syncopated acoustic guitar loop and a jaunty whistled melody in the style of Ed Sheeran's Galway Girl and Gorillaz] [Sound Effect: Squeaky shopping trolley wheel, cash register cha-ching!] [Verse 1: Cheeky, fast-talking, rhythmic rap-sung delivery in the style of Ed Sheeran and Plan B] Fluorescent tubes humming at the back of the dock Where the shutter goes up at eleven o'clock Got my hessian tote bag, got my clubcard ready Pushing a trolley with a wheel unsteady Past the pickled appendices stacked in a pyramid Two-for-one offer on the ribs of a city kid Check the use-by date on the vacuum-packed thighs Look for the marbling, watch out for the flies Aisle three is quiet, just a vicar in a mac Squeezing the kidneys at the bottom of the rack [Pre-Chorus: Percussive butcher-knife chops on a wooden block enter the beat, melodic vocal lift] Excuse me, mate, are these knuckles free-range? The lad from the suburbs tastes a little bit strange Too much espresso and nicotine tar I prefer the hikers from the Yorkshire Moor bar [Chorus: Super catchy, upbeat, foot-stomping acoustic pop chorus in the style of Ed Sheeran] Down at the Cannibal’s Supermarket, late on a Friday night Everything’s crimson under halogen light Roll up your sleeves at the delicatessen Where the prime-cut gentry learn a culinary lesson Hear the bandsaw singing through the marrow and the bone Never have to dine on a microwave meal alone Beep goes the scanner at the checkout lane Bagging up a barrister in cellophane! [Verse 2: Bouncy hip-hop flow, upright bass plucking along with the acoustic guitar] Over by the freezer where the cold mist rolls They’ve got artisan tongue in little brioche rolls Lady in a fur coat arguing the toss Saying, "Last week's postman was a total loss Stringy in the calf muscle, tough in the cheek I had to boil his shins in burgundy all week!" Meanwhile I'm flirting with the girl in the apron Red rubber boots with the sawdust scraping She winks through the Perspex, weighs out a pound Of the freshest estate agent found underground [Pre-Chorus: Layered barbershop-style harmonies mixed with rhythmic guitar slaps] She slips an extra thumb inside the brown paper sack Writes her mobile number on the fat of the back Says, "Meet me by the meat-hooks when my shift is through I’ve got a slow-cooker recipe waiting for you." [Chorus: Big, joyous, macabre sing-along chorus with brass stabs] Down at the Cannibal’s Supermarket, late on a Friday night Everything’s crimson under halogen light Roll up your sleeves at the delicatessen Where the prime-cut gentry learn a culinary lesson Hear the bandsaw singing through the marrow and the bone Never have to dine on a microwave meal alone Beep goes the scanner at the checkout lane Bagging up a barrister in cellophane! [Bridge: Music drops to a sneaky, tiptoeing pizzicato string and beatbox groove in the style of Lily Allen and Ed Sheeran] [Tannoy Voice Effect: Crackly, cheerful loudspeaker announcement] "Cleanup on aisle seven, a tourist got loose Dropped a jar of eyeballs in the cranberry juice" Wait a second—my clubcard's declining at the till The manager’s approaching with a cleaver and a bill My overdraft is maxed out, my wallet is bare And the butcher girl’s looking at my shoulder with a stare She pinches my tricep, says, "Lean, twenty-eight... That’ll cover the balance on the Layaway plate!" [Chorus: Frantic, comedic panic in the vocals while the music stays absurdly cheerful and bouncy] Down at the Cannibal’s Supermarket, locked in the chiller room! Hanging from a gambrel in the icy gloom! Next to a plumber and a magistrate's clerk While the night-shift stickers do their pricing work! Hear the bandsaw singing through the marrow and the bone I should’ve stayed home with a toaster scone! [Outro: Jaunty whistling melody returns over the acoustic loop and cash register chimes] [Vocal Style: Muffled, singing from inside a plastic wrapper] Fifty percent off with a yellow sticker badge Sitting on the bottom shelf next to the veg Don't buy me for a casserole, I'm terrible in stew... [Sound Effect: Barcode scanner BEEP! Followed by a cheerful "Unexpected item in the bagging area!"] [End]
