[Spoken — calm, completely serious astronomer] Today, we’re taking a closer look at Uranus. [GUY EATING] Okay. [ASTRONOMER] Uranus is enormous. Nearly four times wider than Earth. [GUY] Mm-hmm. [ASTRONOMER] But because Uranus is so far away, getting a really good look at it can be difficult. [GUY] Sure. [ASTRONOMER] That’s why I use this. [GUY] What is that? [ASTRONOMER] Fourteen inches. [GUY] Come on, man. [ASTRONOMER] What? [GUY] Nothing. [ASTRONOMER] With fourteen inches, I can gather enough light to examine Uranus in extraordinary detail. [GUY] Jesus Christ. [ASTRONOMER] Look closely. You can actually see the rings around Uranus [GUY] No, thank you. [ASTRONOMER] They can be difficult to see. You really need a long exposure to properly bring out the rings around Uranus. [GUY] Dude. [ASTRONOMER] What? [GUY] I’m eating lunch. [ASTRONOMER] Oh. Sorry. [GUY] Thank you. [ASTRONOMER] Anyway, Uranus contains an enormous amount of gas. [GUY] OH, COME ON. [ASTRONOMER] Mostly hydrogen and helium, although there’s also quite a bit of methane around Uranus. [GUY] Stop it. [ASTRONOMER] The methane is actually responsible for the unusual coloration of Uranus. [GUY] I WAS ENJOYING A FUCKING SANDWICH. [ASTRONOMER] It gets even more interesting when we probe deeper. [GUY] Do not probe deeper. [ASTRONOMER] Deep inside Uranus [GUY] STOP IT. [ASTRONOMER] —the pressure becomes tremendous. [GUY] STOP. [ASTRONOMER] Scientists believe there may even be diamonds deep inside Uranus [GUY] I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S DEEP INSIDE Uranus [ASTRONOMER] Why are you yelling? [GUY] BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT Uranus FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES. [Pause.] [ASTRONOMER] It’s not mine. [GUY] What? [ASTRONOMER] Uranus belongs to everyone. [Long pause.] [GUY] I’m throwing my sandwich away. [ASTRONOMER] Wait. We haven’t discussed the winds. [GUY] No. [ASTRONOMER] Winds around Uranus can reach over five hundred miles per hour. [GUY] That’s not wind. [ASTRONOMER] Of course it is. [GUY] You know what? Fine. [ASTRONOMER] And Uranus has twenty-eight known moons. [GUY] There are twenty-eight things orbiting Uranus? [ASTRONOMER] Correct. [GUY] And you hear nothing wrong with that sentence. [ASTRONOMER] Why would there be? [GUY] Fuck me. [ASTRONOMER] Would you like to look at Uranus through the telescope? [GUY] NO. [ASTRONOMER] You haven’t even seen it. [GUY] I DON’T WANT TO SEE Uranus. [ASTRONOMER] I have some excellent photographs. [GUY] DO NOT SHOW ME PHOTOGRAPHS OF Uranus [ASTRONOMER] They’re extremely high resolution. [GUY] I’m leaving. [ASTRONOMER] Tomorrow we’re examining the dark spot on Uranus [GUY, DISTANT] FUCK YOU. [ASTRONOMER] What a strange guy.
