I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT

Avante garde rap, trip-hip, cinematic dubstep, mezzo alto female vocals

V4.5+

I wasn’t supposed to make it  
Not with this breath  
Not after everything that told me stop  
That said enough  
That whispered go in the wrong direction  
And meant it

I wasn’t supposed to make it this far  
Not with this body  
Not with these scars  
Not after the nights I prayed for a car crash  
Or a blood clot  
Or anything fast  
I was eleven  
Tracing escape routes in my head  
While folding laundry  
And memorizing the words they’d say if I was dead  
Like  
She was so strong  
Such a sweet girl  
Just got overwhelmed by the weight of the world  
But nobody ever asked why it was so heavy  
Why the love I got always came with a levy  
Why grief pulled the rent from my lungs  
Til breath felt like theft  
And every kindness stung

I learned to cry with the volume off  
How to bleed without proof  
How to split myself clean  
Between mirror and myth  
How to make a bruise a metaphor  
Because nobody listens to pain  
Unless it rhymes

And I know I was way too young for so much turmoil  
Like when I was thirteen I had written in my journal  
The dates for my death my wake and my funeral  
I told myself that if things didn't get better  
By a date late in December  
A date I still remember  
That I

I wasn’t supposed to make it  
Wasn’t supposed to stay  
But somehow I’m still here  
And I don’t know what that says

I flinch when the room goes quiet  
Like the silence might snap  
Like my name might riot  
Like maybe I left too much of myself in that girl  
Who learned to disappear  
Just to survive in this world  
I don’t trust softness  
Not even from me  
I unwrap my joy like a bomb on a string  
I ration relief  
Like maybe it's borrowed  
And if I feel too long  
The cost comes tomorrow

My body's a haunted machine  
Still running  
Still humming  
Still asking why are you here  
And the answer is always  
Because I didn’t leave

I didn’t leave  
Even when I meant to  
Even when I begged to  
Even when I drafted the note  
And practiced the ritual  
And whispered goodbye in three different languages

Somewhere  
Somewhen  
Some soul version of me  
Held the line

I stayed  
Not because I wanted to  
But because no one told me I could go  
I stayed  
Not out of hope  
But out of habit  
Out of guilt  
Out of flow  
I stayed  
Until staying became  
The only thing I know

This isn’t the kind of survival that earns applause  
This is the kind they turn away from  
Because it doesn’t look good in a headline  
Or sound cute in a song

This is survival that stinks like old sweat  
And breath held too long  
And grief that’s worn thin  
From being folded so many times  
Just to fit

I cleaned bookshelves with vertigo  
Made calls while dissociating  
Wrote songs with a heating pad strapped to my ribs  
And a scream in my throat  
Too tired to stage it

I wore lipstick over trauma  
Smiled on Zoom  
Lied on forms  
Filed for benefits  
While my body forgot  
How to be a body

I took care of others  
When I was the one bleeding  
And still apologized  
When I asked to rest

I know  
It’s not pretty  
It’s not polished  
But it’s me

This body  
This ache  
This rhythm  
This stay

There was a day  
Not that long ago  
Where I almost didn’t come back

I don’t mean metaphor  
I mean  
I wrote the note  
Placed the items  
Locked the door

But I couldn’t do it  
Not because I was strong  
But because I imagined  
Someone else finding me

And I couldn’t make  
My pain their story

So I lived  
Out of guilt  
Out of anger  
Out of inertia

But living  
Somehow  
Became something else

Not joy  
Not purpose  
Not peace

But presence  
Like  
I’m still here  
And maybe  
That’s enough  
To build a song from

This is not the victory lap  
This is the admission  
That surviving  
Sometimes just means  
Not dying

This is not a triumph  
It’s a truce

This is me  
Telling the truth

That I was supposed to disappear  
Fade  
Crack  
Fold  
Drown  
Burn  
Break

But instead

I wrote  
I breathed  
I stayed

I stayed  
Not because it got easier  
But because something in me  
Refused to end here  
I stayed  
Because there’s more  
Than the silence  
Than the pain  
Than the shame  
I stayed  
Because the ghosts who didn’t  
Are watching  
And they gave me their name

I wasn’t supposed to make it  
But I did  
So now I’m gonna say it  
All of it  
Even the parts that shake  
Even the parts that sting  
Because I’m not just here to survive  
I’m here to sing

4833/7500

Yo I’m not gonna lie I don’t know how to start this There’s a version of me that would’ve never said a word And another one that would’ve never made it to this verse But I guess I’m here So I’ll speak first I wasn’t supposed to make it Not with this breath Not after everything that told me stop That said enough That whispered go in the wrong direction And meant it I wasn’t supposed to make it this far Not with this body Not with these scars Not after the nights I prayed for a car crash Or a blood clot Or anything fast I was eleven Tracing escape routes in my head While folding laundry And memorizing the words they’d say if I was dead Like She was so strong Such a sweet girl Just got overwhelmed by the weight of the world But nobody ever asked why it was so heavy Why the love I got always came with a levy Why grief pulled the rent from my lungs Til breath felt like theft And every kindness stung I learned to cry with the volume off How to bleed without proof How to split myself clean Between mirror and myth How to make a bruise a metaphor Because nobody listens to pain Unless it rhymes And I know I was way too young for so much turmoil Like when I was thirteen I had written in my journal The dates for my death my wake and my funeral I told myself that if things didn't get better By a date late in December A date I still remember That I I wasn’t supposed to make it Wasn’t supposed to stay But somehow I’m still here And I don’t know what that says I wasn’t supposed to make it Wasn’t supposed to stay But somehow I’m still here And I don’t know what that says I flinch when the room goes quiet Like the silence might snap Like my name might riot Like maybe I left too much of myself in that girl Who learned to disappear Just to survive in this world I don’t trust softness Not even from me I unwrap my joy like a bomb on a string I ration relief Like maybe it's borrowed And if I feel too long The cost comes tomorrow My body's a haunted machine Still running Still humming Still asking why are you here And the answer is always Because I didn’t leave I didn’t leave Even when I meant to Even when I begged to Even when I drafted the note And practiced the ritual And whispered goodbye in three different languages Somewhere Somewhen Some soul version of me Held the line I stayed Not because I wanted to But because no one told me I could go I stayed Not out of hope But out of habit Out of guilt Out of flow I stayed Until staying became The only thing I know This isn’t the kind of survival that earns applause This is the kind they turn away from Because it doesn’t look good in a headline Or sound cute in a song This is survival that stinks like old sweat And breath held too long And grief that’s worn thin From being folded so many times Just to fit I cleaned bookshelves with vertigo Made calls while dissociating Wrote songs with a heating pad strapped to my ribs And a scream in my throat Too tired to stage it I wore lipstick over trauma Smiled on Zoom Lied on forms Filed for benefits While my body forgot How to be a body I took care of others When I was the one bleeding And still apologized When I asked to rest I know It’s not pretty It’s not polished But it’s me This body This ache This rhythm This stay There was a day Not that long ago Where I almost didn’t come back I don’t mean metaphor I mean I wrote the note Placed the items Locked the door But I couldn’t do it Not because I was strong But because I imagined Someone else finding me And I couldn’t make My pain their story So I lived Out of guilt Out of anger Out of inertia But living Somehow Became something else Not joy Not purpose Not peace But presence Like I’m still here And maybe That’s enough To build a song from This is not the victory lap This is the admission That surviving Sometimes just means Not dying This is not a triumph It’s a truce This is me Telling the truth That I was supposed to disappear Fade Crack Fold Drown Burn Break But instead I wrote I breathed I stayed I stayed Not because it got easier But because something in me Refused to end here I stayed Because there’s more Than the silence Than the pain Than the shame I stayed Because the ghosts who didn’t Are watching And they gave me their name I wasn’t supposed to make it But I did So now I’m gonna say it All of it Even the parts that shake Even the parts that sting Because I’m not just here to survive I’m here to sing

0/500