King Arthur’s Quest for the Perfect Table

Varegg

Cinematic, storytelling, spoken conversation, medieval instruments, British accents, satirical

[Arthur]:
“I am Arthur, King of the Britons, wielder of Excalibur, protector of the realm—”

[Lancelot]:
“Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard all that before. Can we move on, mate?”

[Galahad]:
“Are we here to look at tables or to listen to your autobiography? Because my feet hurt.”

[Arthur]:
“After hours of perilous travel, crossing treacherous moors and foul-smelling bogs, we arrive at…”

[Knights in unison]:
“KNIGHT-KEA!”

[Arthur]:
“Behold, the sacred ground of tables—crafted by artisans, blessed by the gods!”

[Galahad]:
“Blessed by the gods? Pretty sure I saw one of those tables holding a pile of half-eaten meat pies.”

[Lancelot]:
“Get on with it, Arthur. I’m not dying of old age just to find a piece of furniture.”

[Verse]
In a castle far from here,
We sought a table grand,
To unify our noble quest,
With justice in our hands.

But here we stand, in this fine shop,
Where legends surely pale,
They’ve got a sale on flat-packed wood,
And tables shaped like snails!

[Knights Choir]
Oh, trial of tables, what shape shall we find?
Round, square, or triangular, will it blow our minds?
Will it be sturdy? Will it be tall?
Or will we break it in a drunken brawl?

[Bedivere]:
“A square one’s here! Look at its might!
But, oh no, the corners… they’re too tight!”

[Galahad]:
“A triangle table, bold and brave,
But we’d need to sack a knight to save some space!”

[Arthur]:
“Enough of this nonsense, the table is clear,
Round and unbroken, it binds us here!”

[Lancelot]:
“Alright, we’ve found it. Can we leave now?”

[Arthur]:
“Hold, Lancelot! This is no ordinary table. This table will unite kingdoms, end wars, and host the finest mead-drinking contests the world has ever seen!”

[Galahad]:
“Will it fit in the cart?”

[Bedivere]:
“The clerk says it requires assembly.”

[Arthur]:
“Assembly?! Knights! To arms! We shall conquer this flat-pack beast!”

[Verse]
We hammered and we tightened, we cursed and we swore,
With screws that didn’t fit and a plank on the floor.
But when it was built, a vision was clear,
A table for legends to last through the years!

[Knights Choir]
Oh, trial of tables, the journey was long,
But now we sit united, a circle strong!
No corners to fight, no edges to fear,
Around this round table, we’ll toast with cheer!

[Arthur]:
“Behold, my knights! The Table of Roundness, the cornerstone of Camelot’s glory!”

[Lancelot]:
“Cornerstone? Bit ironic, don’t you think?”

[Arthur]:
“Silence, Lancelot! Raise your goblets, for today, we dine in legend!”

[Galahad]:
“Does it come with a warranty?”

[Arthur]:
“Warranty?! To arms, knights! Our next quest begins!”

NI!

“The knights of NI!”

“RUN!”

2921/7500

[Narrator] “Where does the round table come from, what is the backstory we don’t read about in the history books. Now we can present the entire story based on carvings found inside a pair of Dutch wooden shoes recovered from the ruins of an old Dutch wooden shoe factory from the 15th century” [Arthur]: “I am Arthur, King of the Britons, wielder of Excalibur, protector of the realm—” [Lancelot]: “Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard all that before. Can we move on, mate?” [Galahad]: “Are we here to look at tables or to listen to your autobiography? Because my feet hurt.” [Arthur]: “After hours of perilous travel, crossing treacherous moors and foul-smelling bogs, we arrive at…” [Knights in unison]: “KNIGHT-KEA!” [Arthur]: “Behold, the sacred ground of tables—crafted by artisans, blessed by the gods!” [Galahad]: “Blessed by the gods? Pretty sure I saw one of those tables holding a pile of half-eaten meat pies.” [Lancelot]: “Get on with it, Arthur. I’m not dying of old age just to find a piece of furniture.” [Verse] In a castle far from here, We sought a table grand, To unify our noble quest, With justice in our hands. But here we stand, in this fine shop, Where legends surely pale, They’ve got a sale on flat-packed wood, And tables shaped like snails! [Knights Choir] Oh, trial of tables, what shape shall we find? Round, square, or triangular, will it blow our minds? Will it be sturdy? Will it be tall? Or will we break it in a drunken brawl? [Bedivere]: “A square one’s here! Look at its might! But, oh no, the corners… they’re too tight!” [Galahad]: “A triangle table, bold and brave, But we’d need to sack a knight to save some space!” [Arthur]: “Enough of this nonsense, the table is clear, Round and unbroken, it binds us here!” [Lancelot]: “Alright, we’ve found it. Can we leave now?” [Arthur]: “Hold, Lancelot! This is no ordinary table. This table will unite kingdoms, end wars, and host the finest mead-drinking contests the world has ever seen!” [Galahad]: “Will it fit in the cart?” [Bedivere]: “The clerk says it requires assembly.” [Arthur]: “Assembly?! Knights! To arms! We shall conquer this flat-pack beast!” [Verse] We hammered and we tightened, we cursed and we swore, With screws that didn’t fit and a plank on the floor. But when it was built, a vision was clear, A table for legends to last through the years! [Knights Choir] Oh, trial of tables, the journey was long, But now we sit united, a circle strong! No corners to fight, no edges to fear, Around this round table, we’ll toast with cheer! [Arthur]: “Behold, my knights! The Table of Roundness, the cornerstone of Camelot’s glory!” [Lancelot]: “Cornerstone? Bit ironic, don’t you think?” [Arthur]: “Silence, Lancelot! Raise your goblets, for today, we dine in legend!” [Galahad]: “Does it come with a warranty?” [Arthur]: “Warranty?! To arms, knights! Our next quest begins!” NI! “The knights of NI!” “RUN!”

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