The Devil Has a Customer Service Department

ɪᴄʜɪɢᴏ - ʜᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ɪᴅᴏʟᴢ

trap, orchestral, dark comedy

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[Intro]

Thank you for calling Eternal Consequences.

Your suffering is important to us.

Please remain on the line.

You gotta be kidding me.

[Verse 1]

Woke up downstairs with a ticket in hand,
B-six-six-six, guess that's where I stand.
Walk to reception, she don't even look,
says, "Reason for visit?"

There must be a mistake.

"Common complaint.
Take a seat, estimated wait:
eternity, give or take."

Nah, get your manager.
Get whoever runs this.
I didn't come all this way
for administrative punishment.

"Sir, lower your tone."

Lady, where am I gonna go?

She points to a sign:

ABUSE OF STAFF
MAY RESULT IN FURTHER BELOW.

...Further?

[Pre-Chorus]

Press one for greed.
Press two for deceit.
Press three if you sold your soul
but dispute the receipt.

For all other inquiries,
stay where you are.

PUT SOMEBODY ON!

[Chorus]

PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON,
I've been transferred six times since dawn.
Infernal billing says collections,
collections sent me back to reception.

PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON,
your whole operation's running wrong.
If damnation's got a help desk,
somebody better explain this mess.

Your estimated wait time is...

Forever.

[Verse 2]

First guy says, "Wrath."
I say, "Define excessive."
He says, "We have recordings."
I become less aggressive.

Second says envy.
Third says pride.
Fourth says my appeal
was improperly filed.

Fifth department handles lust,
not mine, transfer.
Sixth handles fraud,
says, "Wrong infernal sector."

Seventh guy yawns,
asks the last four of my soul.
How would I know?
"Then I can't access your scroll."

I ask for the devil.

He laughs for a minute.

"Sir, he hasn't personally
handled complaints in centuries."

What?!

So who's in charge?

"Depends what you mean."

That's when I learned evil
has middle management teams.

[Chorus]

PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON,
I've been transferred six times since dawn.
Infernal billing says collections,
collections sent me back to reception.

PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON,
your whole operation's running wrong.
I expected fire and judgment,
not twenty departments dodging one question.

[Bridge]

Finally...

Executive Appeals.

Top level.

One desk.

One chair.

Some tired guy
eating lunch.

He opens my file.

Reads for a while.

Then pushes it across the desk.

"Everything appears correct."

Based on what?

"Your decisions."

[Verse 3]

Okay, let's audit it, item by item,
pull up the dates, I wanna see why I'm liable.
Bad intention or bad decision?
Context matters, let's make distinctions.

"Interesting defense."

Thank you.

"Still doesn't change what you chose to do."

Hold up.

Where's temptation in your calculation?
Where's circumstance, manipulation?
Where's bad luck, bad influence, bad information?
Where's the clause for intoxication?

He leans back like he's heard this forever,
"People get creative when consequence enters."

So there's no loophole?

"No."

No appeal?

"No."

No escalation?

"No."

Can I speak to the devil?

"He'll tell you the same."

Then what exactly do you people do?

"Mostly paperwork
while you blame somebody else."

...Damn.

[Final Chorus]

DON'T NEED YOUR SUPERVISOR NOW,
finally figured the department out.
Spent all day demanding explanations
for a file built out of my decisions.

DON'T NEED YOUR SUPERVISOR NOW,
guess the fine print finally got loud.
Hell didn't need to drag me down.

I walked in arguing
I shouldn't be accountable.

[Outro]

Was your issue resolved today?

Press one for yes.

Press two for no.

...

Is there a third option?

There is not.

3501/7500

[Intro] Thank you for calling Eternal Consequences. Your suffering is important to us. Please remain on the line. You gotta be kidding me. [Verse 1] Woke up downstairs with a ticket in hand, B-six-six-six, guess that's where I stand. Walk to reception, she don't even look, says, "Reason for visit?" There must be a mistake. "Common complaint. Take a seat, estimated wait: eternity, give or take." Nah, get your manager. Get whoever runs this. I didn't come all this way for administrative punishment. "Sir, lower your tone." Lady, where am I gonna go? She points to a sign: ABUSE OF STAFF MAY RESULT IN FURTHER BELOW. ...Further? [Pre-Chorus] Press one for greed. Press two for deceit. Press three if you sold your soul but dispute the receipt. For all other inquiries, stay where you are. PUT SOMEBODY ON! [Chorus] PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON, I've been transferred six times since dawn. Infernal billing says collections, collections sent me back to reception. PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON, your whole operation's running wrong. If damnation's got a help desk, somebody better explain this mess. Your estimated wait time is... Forever. [Verse 2] First guy says, "Wrath." I say, "Define excessive." He says, "We have recordings." I become less aggressive. Second says envy. Third says pride. Fourth says my appeal was improperly filed. Fifth department handles lust, not mine, transfer. Sixth handles fraud, says, "Wrong infernal sector." Seventh guy yawns, asks the last four of my soul. How would I know? "Then I can't access your scroll." I ask for the devil. He laughs for a minute. "Sir, he hasn't personally handled complaints in centuries." What?! So who's in charge? "Depends what you mean." That's when I learned evil has middle management teams. [Chorus] PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON, I've been transferred six times since dawn. Infernal billing says collections, collections sent me back to reception. PUT YOUR SUPERVISOR ON, your whole operation's running wrong. I expected fire and judgment, not twenty departments dodging one question. [Bridge] Finally... Executive Appeals. Top level. One desk. One chair. Some tired guy eating lunch. He opens my file. Reads for a while. Then pushes it across the desk. "Everything appears correct." Based on what? "Your decisions." [Verse 3] Okay, let's audit it, item by item, pull up the dates, I wanna see why I'm liable. Bad intention or bad decision? Context matters, let's make distinctions. "Interesting defense." Thank you. "Still doesn't change what you chose to do." Hold up. Where's temptation in your calculation? Where's circumstance, manipulation? Where's bad luck, bad influence, bad information? Where's the clause for intoxication? He leans back like he's heard this forever, "People get creative when consequence enters." So there's no loophole? "No." No appeal? "No." No escalation? "No." Can I speak to the devil? "He'll tell you the same." Then what exactly do you people do? "Mostly paperwork while you blame somebody else." ...Damn. [Final Chorus] DON'T NEED YOUR SUPERVISOR NOW, finally figured the department out. Spent all day demanding explanations for a file built out of my decisions. DON'T NEED YOUR SUPERVISOR NOW, guess the fine print finally got loud. Hell didn't need to drag me down. I walked in arguing I shouldn't be accountable. [Outro] Was your issue resolved today? Press one for yes. Press two for no. ... Is there a third option? There is not.

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