How to Tell If My Cat Is Trying to Kill Me [Intro] She’s rollin’ in her car named MadCat, Seatbelt on, but she knows better than that— ’Cause the real danger’s furry, tiny, and mean, Plotting slapstick murder like a funk‑machine. [Harmony1] He’s fluffy, he’s cute, he’s a menace in fur— And every day he tries to end her. [Verse1] — The Bath Catastrophe She carried MadCat to the bathroom door, Said “bath time, baby,” like she’d done before. He walked out calm with a villainous grin, Like “girl, you’ll never try that again.” She stumbled out wrapped like a mummy in gauze, Bandaged head‑to‑toe from his tiny claws. Looked like she fought a blender and lost— First attempt? Comedy at a cost. [Prechorus] Is he playful? Is he feral? Is he plotting something terrible? [Chorus] How to tell if my cat is tryin’ to kill me— Watch the vibe, watch the groove, watch the way he chills near me. If the tempo spikes when he narrows his eyes, That’s not the DJ— That’s my demise. MadCat SP with a funky plot, Tryin’ to take me out with a breakbeat shot. [Harmony2] Scratch‑scratch—vinyl or claws? Hard to tell when he’s breakin’ all laws. [Verse2] — The Kitchen Trip‑Trap She’s carryin’ groceries through the kitchen floor, MadCat lurkin’ like a furry saboteur. He slides between her feet with ninja grace, She flails like she’s in a slapstick chase. Bananas fly, milk explodes on the wall, She does a full cartoon tumble and fall. He sits beside her like “nice technique.” Second attempt? Peak comedy chic. [Prechorus2] Is it mischief? Is it malice? Is he waitin’ till she’s off‑balance? [Chorus2] How to tell if my cat is tryin’ to kill me— If the groove gets wild when he jumps on me. If the drums get sharp when he circles my chair, That’s not the track— That’s a threat in the air. MadCat SP with the Oregon Funk, Plotting murder with a breakbeat thunk. [Harmony3] Soul‑warm glow in his cosmic stare, He’s a block‑party villain with debonair flair. [Verse3] — The Ceiling Fan Incident She’s lyin’ on the couch for a midday nap, MadCat stalkin’ with a slapstick trap. He jumps on the remote with perfect aim, Turns the ceiling fan into a carnival game. Her blanket flies, her hair goes wild, She spins like a theme‑park ride gone hostile. MadCat watches like a film critique— Third attempt? Five stars, unique. [Prechorus3] Is it love? Is it fate? Is he waitin’ for the perfect break? [Chorus3] How to tell if my cat is tryin’ to kill me— If the vibe gets tense when he sits on me. If the tempo jumps when he narrows his gaze, That’s not the DJ— That’s my last few days. MadCat SP with the funky plot, Tryin’ to take her out with a dance‑floor shot. [Verse4] — The Car Chaos Attempt She hops in her car named MadCat, ready to roll, But her cat’s been schemin’ with slapstick soul. He dragged her shoelaces under the brake, So when she pressed down—oh lord, mistake. She spun in circles in the parking lot, Looked like a circus act she never taught. MadCat perched proud like “that was art.” Fourth attempt? A comedic heart attack. [Bridge] Maybe he loves her— Maybe he don’t— Maybe he’s planning something funky she won’t survive. But if she goes out— Let it be known— He killed her with the groove, not the knife. [Outro] So if you hear a scratch in the Oregon night, And the bassline bumps with feline spite— Just know MadCat’s always on the scene, Plotting murder with a funky routine. Breakbeat paws, soul‑warm glow— He’s the cutest killer she’ll ever know.
