[Intro] Will I make it past twenty-nine? God, I don't wanna die tonight. [Verse 1] Five minutes, back to the bathroom, ten minutes, there again, Countin' every little symptom like it's countin' down the end. Kidney infection, bladder pain, another sleepless night, Every time I thought it passed, another thing didn't feel right. Round after round of antibiotics, still my numbers wouldn't drop, Sinuses still infected while they treated what they got. One doctor talked about my nose, another checked my heart, Every visit had me wonderin' if my body fell apart. I called 113, felt like I couldn't even wait, Heard an ambulance was coming, still I couldn't leave the K. I was begging them to save me, scared I'd run out of time, Then I got to the hospital and went to get another high. [Pre-Chorus] I knew it only made things worse, I knew the damage, knew the hurt. I wasn't trying to die... So why couldn't I leave it behind? [Chorus] Will I make it past twenty-nine? God, I don't wanna die tonight. I called for help to save my life, Still brought the K along for the ride. And I know what it does to me, But knowing never set me free. I went there hoping I'd survive, Then got high where they were saving my life. [Verse 2] Six, seven years of back pain, I was used to hurting bad, Then I crashed a rented scooter—worst pain I'd ever had. Thought my brain was bleeding, got my head and spine rescanned, Codeine took the edge off, let me finally breathe again. Only took it two days, when the pain eased I was done, Left the rest untouched, knew what that relief could become. For the first time in forever, I could feel my back unwind, But a feeling that good scared me, so I had to draw a line. When the ketamine ran dry, I'd reach for something else at night, Coke, M-CAT, acid, benzos—anything to feel alright. Then I moved in with another friend, his heroin and pills, One night I smoked heroin; my aching body stilled. I watched him put a needle in his vein, the image wouldn't fade, “Is this what normal feels like?” I remember asking that day. That was my wake-up call—I could see where it would lead, And I hated how that feeling was becoming something real [Pre-Chorus] I knew it only made things worse, I knew the damage, knew the hurt. I wasn't trying to die... So why couldn't I leave it behind? [Chorus] Will I make it past twenty-nine? God, I don't wanna die tonight. I called for help to save my life, Still brought the K along for the ride. And I know what it does to me, But knowing never set me free. I went there hoping I'd survive, Then got high where they were saving my life. [Verse 3] I thought my friend was K's final boss; sold to stay high, He watched me: “Bro, think you've got a problem.” So did I. His words stuck; still I crossed that line, Seven months, a kilo and a half of K—I watched the numbers climb. Doc said my septum hole might grow too big to mend, Still I took another line and did it all again. Still I bought another bag, still I took another line, Still I told myself tomorrow, still I told myself I'd try. Threw the plate away, the tube away, the powder in the trash, Swore that this was finally over, then I went and got it back. Three times, four times, same promise, same mistake, Same voice inside my head telling me I'm nothing but a waste. "You're a fucking junkie, you're a fucking piece of shit." While my hands were in the garbage, digging out another hit. And I hated every second, but I couldn't make it stop, All that shame was getting heavier, never helping me get off. I knew exactly what was happening, knew exactly what I'd lose, But somehow knowing all the reasons never told me how to choose. [Breakdown] I was scared I'd need a bag just to piss for all my life... Scared I'd have a stroke... Scared of losing my kidney Scared my heart would stop at night... [Quiet, almost spoken] I was scared of dying. And I couldn't stop getting high. [Bridge - Melodic, rising] I kept asking God to help me, When I thought I wouldn't make it. Every time I felt my body fail, I was terrified I couldn't take it. Then I pictured Spencer growing With no father by his side, And Eirill raising him alone If I got high until I died. I couldn't leave him just a picture, Couldn't leave her on her own. He deserves a dad who's living, Not a name carved into stone. Fear of dying couldn't stop me. Fear of leaving them did. [Final Chorus] Will I make it past twenty-nine? God, I don't wanna die tonight. I called for help to save my life, Still brought the K along for the ride. I was so afraid of losing me, But fear alone couldn't set me free. I went there hoping I'd survive, Then got high where they were saving my life. [Outro] I lost count of all the times I swore I'd put it down. Kept writing "last time" in my phone Then reaching back around. But finally there came a date I didn't have to change. After all those broken promises, That date has stayed the same. [Instrumental fades] [End]
