Drop Dead Tony

I had a tough-guy friend, name of Drop Dead Tony. He fell in love with a girl named Mary Jane who smelled like shit to me but to Drop Dead Tony she smelled like home cooking and soft summer rain. Mary Jane was a tall Polish schizophrenic Who usually went by Just Plain Jane But when she went by Mary, things got hairy And she would run you through a gauntlet of endless pain Now Tony was a tough guy but he was loyal To those he considered his oldest childhood friends If you crossed him up, though, he could be an awful mean guy And he’d use any unlawful means to reach his ends. And he was crazy in love with this cute schizo whackjob, Mild Jane was his sweet cup of herbal tea But the problem was “Six-Yaeger-Shots” wild Mary Had sadly set her big lustful eyes on me. We called him Drop Dead Tony Everywhere except in church or in court Where his name was all Cees and Zees and Vees Sometimes we called him D.D.T. for short Keep that D.D.T. the hell away I do not wish to drop dead today, No, spray that D.D.T. Far away from me Or they’ll identify me by dental records and my D.N.A. Mary Jane, Mary Jane Jane is a pleasure, Mary’s pure pain Jane is a treasure, Mary’s insane. Mary’s the Joker, Jane is Bruce Wayne Jane is holy, and Mary’s profane D.D.T., yes D.D.T., Drop Dead Tony, Please don’t murder me, I’m telling you true, man, I got no interest in your woman I can’t help it if she’s interested in me Sweater God, Tony, I said, I never fucked her But Mary got nutsier the more I’d instruct her To keep her body far away from mine Wherever I’d draw it, she’d cross the line I got no interest in your straying girlfriend But she keeps making googoo eyes at me You and me are living in a very strange world, friend, And you just can’t trust what your lying eyes see.