The Queen of the Damned A Ballad for the Skeleton King’s Visit [Intro — thunder, organ music, one nervous narrator] Hush now… The candles are flickering. The ravens are snickering. And somebody in the crypt just yelled— “WHO INVITED THE SKELETON KING?!” Well… The Queen of the Damned arose from her throne, Black velvet cape and a castle of stone. She cracked her crown and adjusted her dress, “Who dares disturb my eternal distress?” Then from down the hallway came— CLACK! CLACK! CLACK! A jawbone grin and a royal backpack. “Make way!” cried the ghosts. “Stand back!” cried the bats. “His Majesty’s coming!” “Quick—hide the fancy hats!” [Verse 1] The Skeleton King marched in with flair, No muscles, no skin, just bones and royal underwear— (The Queen said, “Sir, perhaps we don't discuss that.”) He bowed so deep that he nearly lost his hat. He pointed to his skull with a terrible grin: “Class is now in session! Let the lesson begin! Your skull protects your brain, Your rib cage guards your heart, Your vertebral column keeps your body upright and smart. Your bones provide support, And muscles pull them around, While joints let your skeleton move without hitting the ground!” The Queen rolled her eyes: “Honestly, Your Bone-ness, I invited you for haunting, Not a lecture on anatomy.” [Chorus — big, explosive] 👑 THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED! Raises her hands to the moon! 💀 THE SKELETON KING! Says, “I SHALL BE THERE SOON!” With a CLACK-CLACK! And a BOOM-BOOM! He’s rattling into the ballroom! She rules the dead, He rules the bone, And somehow he keeps losing a femur Every time he gets home! OHHHH! Beware when the crypt bells ring! Make room! Make way! THE SKELETON KING IS COMING TO STAY! [Verse 2] The Queen said, “Tell me, bone boy, Where’d you learn all this?” He said, “Your skeleton has secrets You simply shouldn't miss! Adults usually have 206 bones, Though bodies can vary from person to person. Bones can store minerals, And your bone marrow inside Helps make blood cells— Now please stop trying to hide.” The Queen froze. “…You mean the marrow inside my bones?” “Yes.” “…The educational kind of terrifying?” “Exactly.” The Queen sighed: “Fine. Continue.” He lifted a tibia— “This one’s your shin bone.” She shouted, “PUT THAT DOWN! THAT IS NOT A PARTY HORN!” [Pre-Chorus] The ghosts began dancing. The coffins began shaking. A skeleton DJ yelled, “EVERYBODY'S BONE-MAKING!” The bats started spinning, The zombies yelled, “Encore!” And the Queen accidentally Moonwalked across the floor! [Chorus] 👑 THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED! She’s commanding the night! 💀 THE SKELETON KING! He’s teaching under moonlight! CLACK-CLACK! That’s the rhythm of the bones! SNAP-SNAP! That’s the sound of royal tones! He says, “Protect your brain! Wear a helmet when you ride!” The Queen says, “Very educational. But could you please stop lecturing during my dramatic entrance?” [Bridge — mysterious, then ridiculous] Then the castle doors flew open— WHOOOOOOOOOSH! Cold wind swept through the hall. The Queen stood tall upon the staircase. The Skeleton King whispered: “Do you know what your body does when you need calcium?” She whispered back: “Not now.” “Bones can be remodeled—” “NOT. NOW.” “Old tissue is broken down, new tissue takes its place—” “YOUR MAJESTY.” “Yes?” “…You're ruining my terrifying atmosphere.” He paused. Then said: “Would a diagram help?” The entire castle screamed. [Final Verse — fast and triumphant] So remember, young scholars, When the night gets strange, Your bones aren't just spooky decorations Hanging in a haunted range! They support you, protect you, Help your body move, And bone tissue changes As your body grows and improves. Your femur is your thigh bone, Your humerus is your arm, Your patella is your kneecap— And apparently, the Skeleton King has absolutely no chill or charm. The Queen looked at him. “Would you like some cake?” He said: “I have no stomach.” She said: “FINALLY. A scientific reason you can't eat my cake.” [Final Chorus — huge finale] 👑 THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED! She laughs beneath the moon! 💀 THE SKELETON KING! He says, “ANATOMY COMES SOON!” The crypt doors shake, The chandeliers swing! The ghosts all shout— “MAKE WAY FOR THE KING!” CLACK! CLACK! Hear the skeleton ring! BOOM! BOOM! Hear the dead bells sing! The Queen commands the darkness— The King commands the bones— And now there's a biology lesson Coming through your phones! So when you hear— CLACK! Don't run away! It might just be the Skeleton King Coming to visit today! THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED! THE SKELETON KING! ONE RULE OF THE CASTLE: KNOW YOUR BONES BEFORE THEY KNOW YOU! …and somebody please find his missing kneecap.
