VOICEMAIL

…Erm… Erm, Hi I… I.... I don’t even know if this number still belongs to you. It probably doesn’t. It’s been years. I should’ve checked that first, really. Bit late now, I suppose. I saw your number in my phone today. Don’t ask me why I still had it saved. I was scrolling through old contacts—one of those nights where you can’t sleep properly and everything from your past decides to show up uninvited. And there you were. Just your name. Same spelling. Same ridiculous little heart I must’ve added back then when I thought I was being subtle. I wasn’t subtle. I never was with you. Anyway… I pressed it. Just looked at it for a while. And I thought, “He’s not going to do it. He’s not going to call.” And then I did it anyway. So if you’re hearing this… I don’t even know what I’m hoping for. A miracle? Confusion? Maybe just proof that you still exist somewhere out there beyond all this time that’s passed. I don’t expect you to remember me the way I remember you. That would be unfair. But I remember everything. I remember that rainy afternoon outside that awful little café where we argued about nothing important—something stupid like music or who was supposed to text first. And you were standing there pretending you weren’t cold, and I gave you my jacket and immediately regretted it because then I was the one freezing and you laughed at me the whole walk home. You had that laugh… you know the one. Like you were trying not to laugh, but losing the fight. God. I also remember when you fell asleep on the bus and nearly missed your stop and I had to nudge you awake and you panicked like it was my fault you were tired. You told me I had “bad influence energy.” I still don’t know if that was an insult or a compliment. Probably both, knowing you. And I remember thinking properly thinking, not just feeling it in some vague romantic way that you were it for me. Like I’d somehow stumbled into something I didn’t deserve and was trying very hard not to ruin it. And then I did ruin it. Or we did. Or time did. I don’t know. It just… ended like things do when nobody quite knows how to hold on properly. I told myself I’d forget you. That’s the funny bit. I actually believed that. As if the brain just deletes people like old files. But you didn’t delete. You just… moved into a different part of everything. Quiet. Permanent. Anyway. This isn’t meant to be dramatic. I swear it isn’t. I’m not sat here in the dark with sad music on or anything like that. Well… okay, it is dark, but that’s incidental. I just… I was wondering if you ever think about it too. That’s all. Not even about us, necessarily. Just… those moments. The tiny ones that don’t look like anything at the time but somehow stay with you longer than the big stuff. I hope you’re alright. Properly alright. Not just the “yeah I’m fine” kind of alright people say when they’re not. I hope life’s been kind to you. Or at least fair. And if by some ridiculous chance you’re listening to this and you do remember me… you don’t have to call back. You really don’t. I’m not trying to open a door that should stay shut if that’s where you left it. I just wanted you to know that you mattered. More than I ever said properly. More than I knew how to say at the time without sounding like an idiot. You mattered to me. Still do, I suppose. In that quiet way things do when they’ve already happened but haven’t quite left yet. Right… I’m rambling now. If this number isn’t even yours anymore, then I’ve just left a very emotional voicemail for absolutely no reason, which is… honestly quite on brand for me. If it is you… then I don’t know what I expect next. But I’m glad I said it. Alright. I’ll leave you alone now. Take care of yourself… yeah? pause …It’s me, by the way. If that even means anything anymore. beep