**[Intro – Spoken over a lively fiddle]** Now, Paddy O'Rourke was a sensible man, At least, that's what Paddy would say! But give him three pints and a drop of the poteen, And home was a thousand miles away! **[Verse 1]** I went to the pub for a pint or two, Just a quiet little drink, as good men do, But Mick bought a round, and then came Sean, And somebody shouted, "The whiskey's on!" We sang about Ireland, the girls and the sea, And drank to the men we would rather not be! When midnight struck, I stood up with pride, But the floor took a turn and I fell to the side! **[Chorus – Everybody singing!]** Oh, where is my bed, and where is my door? I've been in this bedroom three times before! I've kissed the wrong pillow, I've hugged the wrong cat, I've slept in a cupboard and woke with a hat! Hey! Ho! The whiskey was strong! Hey! Ho! The night was too long! If drinking's a gift, then I've had my share, But where in the devil's my bedroom chair?! **[Verse 2]** I stumbled upstairs in a terrible state, And found me a bedroom that looked rather great. I kicked off my boots and I climbed into bed, When a voice from the darkness said, "Who's that instead?!" I leapt like a salmon, I ran for the door, And tripped on a rug that I'd never seen before! I found me another room, cozy and warm, And snuggled right in, safe from the storm! **[Chorus]** Oh, where is my bed, and where is my door? I've been in this bedroom three times before! I've kissed the wrong pillow, I've hugged the wrong cat, I've slept in a cupboard and woke with a hat! Hey! Ho! The whiskey was strong! Hey! Ho! The night was too long! If drinking's a gift, then I've had my share, But where in the devil's my bedroom chair?! **[Verse 3]** A beautiful woman was lying beside me, With hair like the sunset and eyes deep as the sea. She looked at my boots and she looked at my face, Then said, "You're the strangest man ever misplaced!" "Kind lady," I whispered, "I've lost me way home, I've wandered through castles, through bedrooms unknown. If you could be kind to a poor drunken fool, I'd promise to mend my ways — after a cool!" She laughed till the windows began to shake, And brought me some water and a slice of cake. "Lie down, silly Paddy, you're safe here with me, But you'd best not be snoring by half-past three!" **[Instrumental Break – Fiddle, tin whistle, bodhrán]** *The fiddle races, the dancers stamp, and the whole tavern claps along!* **[Verse 4]** At dawn I awoke with a terrible head, The sun was a hammer above my poor bed. My tongue felt like leather, my eyes full of sand, And my skull had a drummer's entire brass band! I turned to the beauty who'd rescued my night, And nearly fell out of the bed in fright! For there lay my wife, with a smile on her face, Saying, "Morning, my darling! You've found the right place!" I stared at the ceiling, I swallowed my pride, And wondered what devil had brought me inside. She handed me tea and a cold, damp cloth, Then said, "I've been married to you long enough!" **[Chorus – Louder, with the whole tavern roaring!]** Oh, I've found my bed, and I've found my door! I won't be getting lost anymore! No strange little bedrooms, no wandering cat, No kissing strange pillows or stealing a hat! Hey! Ho! The whiskey was strong! Hey! Ho! My poor head's all wrong! If marriage is heaven, then here's what I've learned: The road home is best when the whiskey's unearned! **[Verse 5 – Comic Finale]** Now Paddy swore off the whiskey for life, And made that same promise each night to his wife. But Friday came round, and the pub lights shone bright, And Mick cried, "Come on, lad, just one pint tonight!" "Oh, no!" cried old Paddy, "I've learned my lesson! My wife is a saint, and I'm done with transgression!" Then Sean bought a round, and Mick bought one more, And Paddy was dancing right out of the door! His wife shook her head as he staggered away, "That fool will be lost by the end of the day!" But she put on her shawl and went out with a grin, For she knew he'd be back when the trouble kicked in! **[Final Chorus – Double-Time, Full Tavern Choir]** Oh, I've found my bed, and I've found my door! But I've probably lost me good sense once more! I've kissed the wrong pillow, I've hugged the wrong cat, And God only knows where I've left me hat! Hey! Ho! The whiskey was strong! Hey! Ho! The night was too long! So drink to good wives who forgive every sin, And leave the front door unlocked when we wander back in! **[Outro – Spoken, as the music slows]** And what's the moral, me lads, of this tale of woe? If you can't find your bedroom, wherever you go, If every strange pillow looks cozy and right, And a beautiful woman says, "Stay here tonight"... Just look at her closely before you complain— **For if she's your wife, you've been lucky again!** **[Everybody shouts]** SLÁINTE! And may we always find our way home! *[Fiddle flourish, stamping feet, laughter, final voice " "PADDY! YOU'VE LEFT YOUR TROUSER"
