BEAUTIFUL DAY! (LOVELY!) EVERYTHING’S GREAT! (LOVELY!) NOTHING’S ON FIRE— YET! GIVE IT A MINUTE! FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (HERE WE GO!) FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (SHIT LUCK! SHIT LUCK!) FUCK THIS DAY! AND TOMORROW TOO! Here we go… Wake up. Cracked screen. What’s that smell? Oh great. The dog deuced next to my bed. (Brilliant.) Phone’s on one percent. Coffee tastes like shit. Can’t find my keys and I’ve only just got in. Toast hits the floor, butter side down. (Typical.) Clean shirt. New pants. First sip of coffee. Straight down the front. And now it looks like I dribbled my drawers as well. FUCK!!! Great. That’s normal. That’s absolutely normal. Nothing says “Today is gonna be fine” Like checking your bank account before nine. (Inner Voice) Don’t look. —I looked. (Why’d you look?) I don’t know! (You never learn.) Shut up. (It must be Friday the thirteenth.) Exactly. BEAUTIFUL DAY! (LOVELY!) EVERYTHING’S GREAT! (LOVELY!) NOTHING’S ON FIRE— YET! GIVE IT A MINUTE! FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (HERE WE GO!) FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (SHIT LUCK! SHIT LUCK!) FUCK THIS DAY! AND TOMORROW TOO! Drivers not indicating. Which way, wanker?! What, you want me to beg? FUCKING MOVE!!! No, not there! That’s a bus lane! Why are you braking?! There’s nothing there! (Fucking turnip.) Why are you driving like you’ve got nowhere to be When I’ve got somewhere to be?! One street. Fifteen red lights. And several arseholes in yellow vests doing absolutely nothing but holding up traffic. (They’re working.) Doing what?! (Standing.) EXACTLY! (Calm down.) I’m calm. (You’re shouting.) I’m calmly shouting! Oh, brilliant. Roundabout. Someone’s stopped dead. (Of course they have.) Is there a meeting where all these people decide How to personally ruin my morning? I need a PhD in behavioural psychology Just trying to understand what you’re trying to do. INDICATE! (INDICATE!) Thank you. No, no— don’t wave. Don’t wave at me. [sarcastic] Yeah… cheers. BEAUTIFUL DAY! (LOVELY!) EVERYTHING’S GREAT! (LOVELY!) NOTHING’S ON FIRE— YET! GIVE IT A MINUTE! FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (HERE WE GO!) FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (SHIT LUCK! SHIT LUCK!) FUCK THIS DAY! AND TOMORROW TOO! Work is a shitshow. Should’ve stayed in bed. Printer’s broken. Coffee’s awful. Someone’s wrecked the spreadsheet. Boss wants a word. Of course he does. “Quick chat.”? There’s no such thing as a quick chat. Email won’t send. Wi-Fi’s dead. Someone microwaved three boiled eggs. Now it smells like my room. Meeting at eleven. Meeting at twelve. Meeting about the meeting that we had at eleven. I’ve done nothing and somehow I’m behind. How is that possible?! (It’s Friday.) I KNOW! (Nearly done.) Don’t say that. (Nearly home.) Don’t say that either. Boss walks over. “Got a minute?” No. I don’t. I’ve never had a minute. I’ve had seconds. I’ve had fractions of seconds. (Go home.) Can’t. (Walk out.) Can’t. (Fake your own death.) Bit dramatic. (Fair.) Still tempting. [Drums and bass only] CRACKED SCREEN! (CHECK!) DOG DEUCED! (BY THE BED!) PANT DRIBBLE! (CHECK!) TRAFFIC! (SHIT!) PRINTER! (SHIT!) COFFEE! (SHIT!) BOSS! (SHIT!) EVERYTHING! (SHIT!) WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?! [Band drops out] (Don’t ask.) Right. [Clean guitar, exhausted vocal] Maybe I’ll just get home. Put my feet up. Order something. Watch some crap. Go to bed early. That’s it. That’s the plan. At least tomorrow’s the weekend. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow… (Don’t say it.) What? …surely it can’t get any worse. [Pause] (You really need to stop talking.) Right. BEAUTIFUL DAY! (LOVELY!) EVERYTHING’S GREAT! (LOVELY!) NOTHING’S ON FIRE— YET! GIVE IT A MINUTE! FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (HERE WE GO!) FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH! (SHIT LUCK! SHIT LUCK!) FUCK THIS DAY! AND TOMORROW TOO! [Music strips back to guitar and tired vocal] Right. Home. That’s it. Get home. Forget today ever happened. Tomorrow’s the weekend. Best thing about Friday? It’s nearly over. Tomorrow I sleep in. No alarm. No traffic. No boss. No— [Pause] (Wait. Check your phone.) … …Thursday. [Silence] Thursday? [long pause] Are most days Friday the thirteenth? (Pretty much.) Oh…..for— FUCK’S SAKE! [End]
