[Verse 1: cocky grinning male MC] Candlelight dinner, and she's lookin' at me close So I slide her my brochure before the waiter brings the toast I'm a little pre-owned, I been ridden pretty hard Couple scratches on the bumper from a fight in a yard Check-engine light been on since two thousand nine Back seat got a car seat, she's my daughter, she's fine Previous owner traded me for somethin' with a boat Kept the stereo, the dog, and my favorite winter coat Squeak when I sit down, and my knees don't bend no more I don't jump the curb, I take the long way to the door No refunds [Hook: cocky male MC, bouncing] I'm sold as is, no warranty, no lies High miles, little rust, but I still run nice Kick the tires if you want, take me round the block Once you drive me off the lot, there ain't no goin' back [Verse 2: cocky male MC, more honest] I snore like a diesel, I can't fold a fitted sheet I cry at every dog movie, I put ketchup on my meat But I start every mornin' at twenty below Never left a woman stranded on the side in the snow I'll drive you to the airport at four a.m. in the rain Wait for you at arrivals with a sign that's got your name Got a little credit damage and a loan I'm payin' down Got a good heart under the hood and the cleanest seats in town Every mile on this body, I can tell you where it went Every dent's got a story, and I paid for every dent No refunds [Hook: cocky male MC, bouncing] I'm sold as is, no warranty, no lies High miles, little rust, but I still run nice Kick the tires if you want, take me round the block Once you drive me off the lot, there ain't no goin' back [Bridge: cocky male MC, slowing, the piano stabs keep time] Then she reaches in her purse, and she slides one back across Says "Sold as is" up at the top, and says, "Go on, read it, boss" In her handwriting, in pen, with the coffee ring and all I start readin' it out loud, and I'm laughin' at the wall [Verse 3: cocky male MC, laughing] "Two kids, one ex, and a mother on the lease Check-engine light since ninety-nine, a knee that needs grease Snores like a leaf blower, steals the covers, talks in sleep Got a temper like a pothole and a laugh two blocks deep" I said, "Baby, that's a classic, they don't make 'em like you now" She said, "Then we got a deal," and shook my hand and took a bow Two used rides on a brand-new road No refunds, baby, no returns, we're sold [Final Hook: the ad-lib becomes the whole final hook, cocky male MC bouncing on every word] No refunds, no returns, no warranty, no lies She's sold as is, I'm sold as is, and we still run nice Kick the tires all you want, we're goin' round the block Two used rides off the lot, there ain't no goin' back [End]
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