[Intro] Recyclable plates. Organic wine. Cruelty-free candles. And… grandma. [Verse 1] Welcome to our climate-neutral, carbon-labelled feast, every label shouting louder than the flavour, at least. Tofu roast at centre stage, quinoa “snow” on every plate, almond milk in crystal glasses, oat-whipped cream for cake. Cousin livestreams from the table, “saving earth one bite at a time”, bio-eco-vegan halo, compost sermon, holy rhyme. Someone weighs their avocado, side-eyes cheese like mortal sin, grandma folds her hands politely… and smuggles something in. [Pre-Chorus] We count plastic forks like sins, scan each barcode, pay the price, but under all these plant-based halos there’s a smell that isn’t nice. [Chorus] Bio-eco-vegan Christmas, halos in a row, “no more harm to any creature” staged in perfect glow. Bio-eco-vegan Christmas, tofu in the pan, we’re busy saving planet… while grandma’s hiding ham again. Grandma’s hiding ham again, underneath the linen napkins, grandma’s hiding ham again. [Verse 2] Uncle sips fair-trade espresso, preaching hard on zero waste, last year tossed three full lasagnas ’cause they “weren’t to his taste”. Sister says, “No meat this winter, think of all the cows in pain,” then buys three cheap Santa jumpers, wears once, bins the stain. Kids are whispering in the corner, “Why does Christmas smell like smoke? That ‘smoky tofu sausage’ looks like plastic, tastes like joke.” Grandma winks and taps the table, slides a Tupperware my way, “Don’t tell your perfect parents, love… just remember me someday.” [Pre-Chorus 2] We bless the kale, condemn the pigs, raise a toast to “kind” and “right”, but the only honest thing here is what’s sizzling out of sight. [Chorus] Bio-eco-vegan Christmas, posters on the wall, “save the ocean, save the forests”, share, repost it all. Bio-eco-vegan Christmas, tofu in the pan, we’re busy being righteous… while grandma’s hiding ham again. Grandma’s hiding ham again, under all the moral speeches, grandma’s hiding ham again. [Bridge] She grew up on ration cards, learned that food is never fake, doesn’t know the word “sustainable”, only “do not let it waste”. She watches us in ring lights, polishing our gentle brands, talking “ethics”, “intersection”, phones instead of holding hands. She breaks a piece of contraband, warm and salty, in my palm, says, “Eat this if you want to, child, I won’t post it. I’ll stay calm.” [Breakdown] Soy on top, fear beneath, tofu crown and gritted teeth. Hashtag pure, hashtag green, same old hungry human scene. Save the whales, share the clip, don’t let bacon touch your lip. If perfection’s all we planned… who let grandma in with ham? [Final Chorus] Bio-eco-vegan Christmas, shining on the feed, we are saving every creature… long as we still get to lead. Bio-eco-vegan Christmas, halo-tight for cam, same old hearts and double standards, grandma’s hiding ham. Grandma’s hiding ham again, underneath the tablecloth. She’s the only one not acting, not pretending she’s enough. Bio-eco-vegan Christmas, I raise my glass and then take a bite of what she offers… and feel almost human again. [Outro] Compost the plates, rinse out the jars, rate the dinner, count the stars. Grandma yawns, buttons up her coat. “Next year,” she says, “maybe just… eat what you love and be kind.” …And yeah. She still left ham in the fridge.
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