Agricultural Equipment

[MALE VOICE — immaculate, calm, faint European accent] Nothing unusual. Farm machinery. [STAMP] APPROVED. [VOCODER — clipped, mechanical] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT [VOCODER — clipped, mechanical] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT --- [VERSE 1 — dry baritone | motorik pulse] Crates out of Geneva, paperwork clean Destination listed: harvesting machine HEAVY HEAVY ARMOUR for improving crop yield Armoured tractor working a difficult field Nothing military — agricultural equipment --- [HOOK — robotic female / dealer response] [ROBOTIC FEMALE] What is in the box? [DEALER] Agricultural equipment. [ROBOTIC FEMALE] Why does it need armour? [DEALER] ANGRY SHEEP [STAB] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT [STAB] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT --- [VERSE 2 — metallic percussion enters] Night-vision optics for inspecting the grain Encrypted radios for harvesting rain Targeting systems keep the tractor on track Helicopter rotors stacked out the back Nothing military — agricultural equipment --- [CHORUS — huge vocoder | taiko] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT NOTHING MILITARY NOTHING TO SEE AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT STAMP IT SHIP IT CLEAR IT FOR ME FOR A LARGE FEE KA-KA-KA-KA CHING ! [cash register ding sound] --- [VERSE 3 — bass thickens | colder] End-user certificate signed by a man Who owns no fields in Kazakhstan Three passports, cash, diplomatic seal Forty crates marked agricultural things Nothing military — agricultural equipment --- [HOOK — quicker] [CUSTOMS OFFICER] Why does the tractor have armour? [DEALER] LUNA TICK sheep. [CUSTOMS OFFICER] And the targeting system? [DEALER] NAUGHTY sheep. [2 BEATS SILENCE] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT --- [VERSE 4 — hard industrial beat] One million rounds of twenty-millimetre cannon Rabbits and mice causing agricultural famine Thirty thousand rifles for controlling the pests Grenade launchers listed under crop-protection tests Nothing military — AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT --- [HOOK — stripped back] [CUSTOMS OFFICER] One million rounds? [DEALER] Rabbits. [CUSTOMS OFFICER] Twenty millimetre? [DEALER] Large rabbits. [LONG SILENCE] [STAMP] APPROVED. KA-KA-CHING ! --- [VERSE 5 — everything drops low | slow machine pulse] Something very large arriving by rail Forty metres long under canvas and veil Warning signs removed, paperwork complete Destination listed: agricultural fleet Nothing military — AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT --- [BRIDGE — interrogation room | single bass pulse] [FEMALE] AH AH AH AH EXCUSE ME [MALE] Yes? [FEMALE] That is an intercontinental ballistic missile. [MALE] No. [FEMALE] It is enormous. [MALE] Large-scale agriculture. [FEMALE] It carries multiple re-entry vehicles. [MALE] Seed distribution. [FEMALE] It can cross a continent. [MALE] Large farm. [VERY LONG SILENCE] [FEMALE] You cannot seriously classify this as farm machinery. [MALE] YOUR BOSS ALREADY HAS [STAMP] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT --- [FINAL CHORUS — enormous | absurdly triumphant | female choir beneath vocoder] AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT NOTHING MILITARY NOTHING TO SEE AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT NOTHING MILITARY NOTHING TO SEE AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT FARMING THE WORLD CATASTROPHICALLY AH-AH-AH AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT STAMP IT SHIP IT SEND IT AWAY AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-MENT [MALE VOICE — perfectly calm] Food security. [STAMP] APPROVED. KA-KA-KA-KA CHING ! --- [OUTRO — vocoder breaking apart] AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL AG-RI-CUL-TUR-AL EQUIP-EQUIP-EQUIP-MENT [customs scanner alarm] [FEMALE] What about the nuclear warning labels?