Old King Cole ain't merry no more.

[Intro] Old King Cole was a merry old soul And a merry old soul was he He called for his pipe And he called for his bowl And he called for his fiddlers three— [Record scratch] [Cole, spoken] Two. [Voice] Your Majesty? [Cole] I said two. [Fiddler Three plays one nervous note] [Cole] Not you. [Door slams] [Hard transition] [Verse 1] Old King Cole ain't merry no more Got a brand-new lock on the bedroom door Came home early from the royal hunt Caught Fiddler Three pulling one hell of a stunt Now Three's long gone and the queen won't talk Cole spends his nights on the castle walk Pipe in his teeth, purple in his bowl Don't call that man a merry old soul [Chorus] Old King Cole ain't merry no more Get off the bridge, stay out of the moat Keep your hands off the castle door Old King Cole ain't merry no more Three fine fiddlers? Now there's two Number Three knows what he did And Mrs. Cole damn sure does too [Verse 2] Neighborhood kids come after school Treat his royal moat like a swimming pool Splashing and laughing by the castle wall Till Cole throws open the window and starts to call: "GET OUTTA MY MOAT! GET OFF MY BRIDGE! QUIT KICKING THAT BALL UP ON MY RIDGE!" Kid yells back, "What're you gonna do?" "I'll tell your mothers, every one of you!" "Your moat's got crocodiles!" "I KNOW THAT TOO! THAT'S WHY I'M YELLING—NOW SHOO! SHOO! SHOO!" [Chorus] Old King Cole ain't merry no more Get off the bridge, stay out of the moat One more splash by the castle door And you're grounded till you're forty-four Those crocodiles are watching you So get your little rear ends clear And don't come crying crocodile tears I've been warning you brats all year! [Fiddle break] [Verse 3] Cole owned every coal mine under the crown Blackest anthracite for miles around Ol' King Cole's Coal Holdings Limited If coal got sold, then Cole sold it Saint Nick came calling one winter night Said, "Naughty kids got me in a plight Can't bring presents when they misbehave But empty stockings don't look so great" Cole leaned back with a businessman grin Took one long draw and breathed it in "Put one lump in each stocking you fill— I've got the coal if you've got the bill" [Spoken] Wholesale. [Saint Nick] Cole... [Cole] Volume discount. [Chorus] Old King Cole ain't merry no more But Christmas made those coal mines roar Every naughty little girl and boy Put a little more merry in Old Cole's joy Call him Cole Call it coal Either way, he's on a roll Fourth-quarter profits through the roof— Now there's your merry old soul! [Bridge] [Voice] Your Majesty... shall I call the fiddlers? [Cole] Both of 'em. [Voice] And your pipe? [Cole] Bring it. [Voice] Your bowl? [Cole] Fill it. [Voice] And Fiddler Three? [Silence] [Cole] Don't push your luck. [Final Chorus] OLD KING COLE AIN'T MERRY NO MORE! GET OFF THE BRIDGE! STAY OUTTA THE MOAT! TWO FINE FIDDLERS SHAKING THE FLOOR OLD KING COLE AIN'T MERRY NO MORE! Pipe in his hand Bowl by his throne Coal in every bad kid's home Mother Goose wrote what she wanted you to know: "Old King Cole was a merry old soul..." [Cole] MY ASS. [Two fiddles — final stab] [Kid outside] HEY, OLD KING COAL! [Cole] IT'S COLE! [Kids laughing] [Cole] GET OFF MY DRAWBRIDGE! [End]