[Verse] So you're sittin' at a gas station Lookin' for information About how to act like everybody else And they say "Son There's nothing here that you haven't done At least a thousand times But you know what you should try Is that turkey barrel crumpet" And you say "What the f****k do you mean Turkey barrel crumpet?" [Chorus] Hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm Hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm Turkey barrel crumpet Hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm Then they start to point at it Hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm Then they start to point at it [Verse] And it turns out that they've been doing this one thing For centuries and centuries You don't know why exactly it has that name Because there's no turkey and there's no barrels And we all know what crumpets are And it's definitely not crumpets It's just a big white blob in the shape of a helmet With Like One eye on it just like Kermit And you pick it up and put it on like a big ol' hat The eye starts to swirl around There's a flash of light Suddenly Your skin is glowing Everything around you smells so good You've got like an elf hat (oh, wow, we love you) And it's pouring out gold And everybody's looking at you And they're all saying "Welcome Welcome You're a really good guy You're the best boy in town Welcome Welcome" And you just know now This is the best thing that's ever happened to you And they've been doing this for hundreds of years And you've missed it And you're filled with a joyous lament [Bridge] And you cry out so loud It splits the entire world into four [Verse] And when you wake You're coughing up sand and dirt Some weird creature is standing over you And it looks friendly If it's even alive It says "Long absence results in silence" (hm) "Long absence results in silence" (hm) And you cough and sputter and look around You're starving You haven't eaten in God-knows days And you open up your mouth to ask "What
