I learned to laugh before they finished, Like the punchline didn't sting. If I smiled before they noticed, Maybe pain wouldn't mean a thing. They joked about the way I talked, The clothes I wore,the way I walked. I laughed the loudest in the crowd, So no one knew it cut that deep. I made myself the easy target, Beat them to the joke each time. If I hurt myself before they could, At least the choice felt partly mine. Then I'd go home when no one watched, And hear those words without the laughs. Funny how a joke lasts seconds, But the echo can last years. You don't have to laugh with them Just to prove that you're okay. You don't have to cut yourself Before somebody looks your way. What they called a little joke May have followed you back home. You can say,"That hurt me." You don't have to hurt alone. I got good at being funny, Made a character they liked. Every insult turned to humor, Every wound became a line. People thought I had no limits, Thought that nothing got inside. But the clown they kept applauding Was the safest place to hide. You survived by playing with them, That was how you made it through. But surviving isn't living If the joke keeps killing you. You don't have to laugh with them Just to prove that you're okay. You don't have to cut yourself Before somebody looks your way. Let your real voice interrupt them, Let the nervous smile be gone. Say,"I don't find that funny." Then remember:you belong. I thought if I admitted pain, They'd know exactly where to aim. So I buried every feeling And pretended I felt none. But one day someone asked me plainly, "Why do you talk about yourself that way?" I had no clever answer. I just didn't know what else to say. You don't have to laugh with them. You don't owe them that disguise. You can leave the joke unfinished, You can finally meet their eyes. And somewhere there are people Who won't need you torn apart Just to keep the room entertained. Let those people know your heart. I used to laugh before they finished. Tonight,I don't. And for the first time, That feels like me.
