My mother says, “Go socialize.” My doctor says, “Try losing some weight.” My boss says, “can you work late?” My neighbors barely know my name. I bought a pair of nunchucks From a website online. At last, I’ve got a useful way to spend my time. [VERSE 1 — Conversational male vocal, bouncy guitar] I met a guy named Kevin At the office Christmas do. He asked me what I did for fun. I said, “Well, let me enlightened you. There’s a film from ’78 That changed the way we fight. The choreography’s flawless— I could break it down all night.” Kevin said, “That’s really cool.” I thought, “I’ve made a friend!” So I traced the whole backstory From beginning to the end. I showed him seventeen fight scenes By the punch bowl on my phone. He said, “I’ve got to use the loo.” I haven’t seen him since. Kevin's gone. [PRE-CHORUS — Bass rises, drums build] They say that friendship’s give and take, A meeting of the minds. But every time I join the chat, The conversation dies. [CHORUOS] YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! You can swing alone and still look tough! The world is weird, the rules are dumb, But these two sticks know where I’m coming from! YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! No awkward pauses, no social bluff! I’ve got my films, I’ve got my stuff— YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! [VERSE 2 — Playful, increasingly ridiculous] I joined a local bowling league To meet some local men. They asked me if I’d bowled before. I said, “Not since two thousand and ten.” But bowling’s just a boring game; It lacks the subtle grace Of a double-handed figure-eight At a properly measured pace. They said, “We’re here to knock down pins.” I said, “That’s cool... But have you seen Five Deadly Venoms? It’s streaming on....” [Pause] They moved my name to substitute. I thought, “That’s hardly fair.” I brought my nunchucks the next week And demonstrated flair. The manager said, “Put those away!” I said, “They’re not for show.” He said, “You’re banned from bowling here.” I said, “Well..I guess I'll go.” [CHORUS — Bigger guitars, enthusiastic backing vocals] YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! You can swing alone and still look tough! The world is weird, the rules are dumb, But these two sticks know where I’m coming from! YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! No awkward pauses, no social bluff! I’ve got my films, I’ve got my stuff— YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! [BRIDGE — Sincere male vocal] Sometimes I wonder what I’m missing When old friends gather round. They trade their weekend stories While coffee cups go down. I rehearse the things I’ll say to them, I polish every line. But when I find my opening, They’ve changed the subject twice. It’s not that I don’t like them. It’s not that I don’t care. I’ve just got too much in my head And no idea when to share. And when I find a thing I love, I want to let you see The dazzling little universe That makes such sense to me. [BUILD] So if you’ve got some patience, And don’t mind taking it slow, I might learn to leave some breathing room And let the conversation flow. And maybe you could show me What makes your engine tick. I’d still like to explain the nunchucks, though. Just the basics. Real quick. [VERSE 3 — Triumphant, comic storytelling] Last Saturday, my neighbor Came knocking at my door. He said, “I hear you like old movies. Could you recommend me four?” I froze. This was unprecedented. I checked the date and time. Then I made a list of forty films By year, director, and runtime. He said, “That’s quite a lot of movies.” I said, “I tried to make it brief...” He scanned the handwritten notes And shook his head in disbelief. Then he asked about the nunchucks. I said, “Would you like to try?” He said, “Sure, I guess.” I taught him one basic move. He hit himself in the eye. [STOP-TIME — One lonely snare hit] He said, “I think I’ll stick to movies.” I said, “That’s perfectly fine.” Then he came back the following week. We watched one film. And talked the whole time. [FINAL CHORUS] YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! Well, maybe friends are pretty cool and stuff! The world is strange, the rules are tough, But finding your people is worth the fuss! YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! You can be yourself and that’s enough! I’ve got my films, I’ve got my stuff— AND I’VE GOT TWO PAIRS OF NUNCHUCKS! [OUTRO — Band drops to bass and synth] My mother says I’m socializing. My neighbor says I’m nice. He borrowed one of my movies. I said, “The sequel’s better.” He hasn’t brought the first one back. It’s been three weeks. I have a spreadsheet. YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE NUNCHUCKS! …But it turns out they’re pretty good, too.
