Really Squirrelly

[Intro — frantic banjo, boot stomps, squirrel chatter] [Spoken — distant hollering] HEY! HEY YOU! GIT OFFA THERE! Chikka-chikka-chikka! DAGGUM SQUIRRELS! [Verse 1 — thick backwoods drawl, barely grammatical] Woke up Tuesday, stepped outside Seen my garden, damn near cried Carrots gone and taters chewed Some fuzzy bastard ate my food There he sat up on the fence Starin' like I ain't got sense I said "HEY!" He said "CHIK!" I said "YOU LITTLE SONOFAGUN" [Banjo TWANG] [Chorus — huge drunken singalong] GET THEM BASTARD SQUIRRELS! GET THEM BASTARD SQUIRRELS! Diggin' up my carrots! Haulin' off my corn! GET THEM BASTARD SQUIRRELS! GET THEM BASTARD SQUIRRELS! Been at war with them furry sumbitches Since the day that I was born! [Fiddle break — mouth noises] Chikka-chikka! Skree-skree! Ptoo! Ptoo! Bloo-bloo-bloo! [Verse 2 — irritated] Billy Ray come by, says "What's the fuss?" I says "SQUIRRELS, MAN, THEY'S ON TO US!" He says "How many?" I says "PLENTY!" He counts real slow and gits to twenty We hunkered down behind the shed A acorn bonked him on the head He jumps up hollerin' "THERE HE GO!" I says "THAT'S A LEAF, YOU DADGUM DUMMY!" [Chorus — bigger, stomping] [Breakdown — banjo cuts out, whispered paranoia] Shhh. You hear that? …Chik. There it go. …Chik-chik. THERE IT GO AGAIN! [Explosive fiddle break] [Verse 3 — fully unhinged] One in the gutter! One on the roof! One in the birdbath drinkin' hundred proof! One in the truck bed! One on the gate! One on my porch eatin' off my plate! Chased 'em left and chased 'em right Chased them critters through the night Sun come up, I looked around— Ain't one carrot left in the ground!