Pete's Excellent Adventure

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V5.5

[Intro — peppy 8-bit chiptune fanfare, then drops into driving punk/rock]

[Verse 1]
Pete fired up the console on a Tuesday afternoon
He said, "Boys, this one's easy — we'll be done by noon"
Dropped the bombs on Tehran, watched the fireworks glow
Pressed the button marked "Surrender" — it was a heck of a show

[Pre-Chorus]
The screen said "Mission Accomplished"
Pete said, "Boys, that's that"
He cracked open a cold one
And adjusted his combat hat

[Chorus]
It's Level One — we won!
It's Level One — we won!
Oh wait, what's this flashing?
"Press start — Level Two's begun"

[Verse 2]
The Gulf states started calling, they said "Pete, what the heck?"
Missiles landing in Kuwait, the Strait's a total wreck
Twenty percent of the world's oil just went up in smoke
Pete said "That's not in the manual — is this some kind of joke?"

[Pre-Chorus]
The screen said "Escalation"
Pete said, "Aw come on"
He called Sean Parnell over
"Did we war-game this one?"

[Chorus]
It's Level Two — what do we do?
It's Level Two — what do we do?
Oh wait, what's this flashing?
"Congratulations — Level Three, renew!"

[Verse 3]
Iraq and Syria lit up, the tankers called for help
Italy said "Land here? No" — Pete let out a yelp
The Army chief said "Maybe we should slow this down a bit"
Pete fired him on a Thursday — that'll handle it

[Bridge — half-time, almost wistful]
He thought it'd be like Soleimani
One good shot, they'd all go home
He thought it'd be like Midnight Hammer
Rattle the cage, throw the dog a bone
But Iran didn't read the playbook
They had levels Pete had never seen
Ten whole levels, Pete, ten levels
And you're still on Level Three

[Verse 4]
The ceasefire came on Wednesday — Pete said "Capital V!"
Declared complete destruction of their whole capacity
Iran also said they'd won — claimed a "historic" day
Pete said, "That's ridiculous" — they both went home that way

[Final Chorus — triumphant but slightly unhinged]
It's Level One — we won!
Wait, Level Two — what do we do?
Level Three — catastrophe!
Levels Four through Ten still loading, friend
Insert coin to play again
Insert coin — to play — again

[Outro — 8-bit Game Over music fades in]
"Pete Hegseth has left the building."
"High Score: Sean Parnell, 47,000 points"
"Continue? 10… 9… 8…"

2255/7500

[Intro — peppy 8-bit chiptune fanfare, then drops into driving punk/rock] [Verse 1] Pete fired up the console on a Tuesday afternoon He said, "Boys, this one's easy — we'll be done by noon" Dropped the bombs on Tehran, watched the fireworks glow Pressed the button marked "Surrender" — it was a heck of a show [Pre-Chorus] The screen said "Mission Accomplished" Pete said, "Boys, that's that" He cracked open a cold one And adjusted his combat hat [Chorus] It's Level One — we won! It's Level One — we won! Oh wait, what's this flashing? "Press start — Level Two's begun" [Verse 2] The Gulf states started calling, they said "Pete, what the heck?" Missiles landing in Kuwait, the Strait's a total wreck Twenty percent of the world's oil just went up in smoke Pete said "That's not in the manual — is this some kind of joke?" [Pre-Chorus] The screen said "Escalation" Pete said, "Aw come on" He called Sean Parnell over "Did we war-game this one?" [Chorus] It's Level Two — what do we do? It's Level Two — what do we do? Oh wait, what's this flashing? "Congratulations — Level Three, renew!" [Verse 3] Iraq and Syria lit up, the tankers called for help Italy said "Land here? No" — Pete let out a yelp The Army chief said "Maybe we should slow this down a bit" Pete fired him on a Thursday — that'll handle it [Bridge — half-time, almost wistful] He thought it'd be like Soleimani One good shot, they'd all go home He thought it'd be like Midnight Hammer Rattle the cage, throw the dog a bone But Iran didn't read the playbook They had levels Pete had never seen Ten whole levels, Pete, ten levels And you're still on Level Three [Verse 4] The ceasefire came on Wednesday — Pete said "Capital V!" Declared complete destruction of their whole capacity Iran also said they'd won — claimed a "historic" day Pete said, "That's ridiculous" — they both went home that way [Final Chorus — triumphant but slightly unhinged] It's Level One — we won! Wait, Level Two — what do we do? Level Three — catastrophe! Levels Four through Ten still loading, friend Insert coin to play again Insert coin — to play — again [Outro — 8-bit Game Over music fades in] "Pete Hegseth has left the building." "High Score: Sean Parnell, 47,000 points" "Continue? 10… 9… 8…"

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