[Intro] (Safe as houses) (You looks lovely, love) (Is that supposed to be that color?) [Crunchy Boom Bap Beat Kicks In] [Sound of a Squeaky Trigger Spray] [Verse 1] I wanted to look like a lad from the Telly With a jawline so sharp it could slice through some jelly But my bank account’s empty, I’m proper skint, son So I met a bloke 'Gaz' who had a caulking gun He said "Don't worry mate, it’s the same as the Botox I found it in the skip behind the local Currys box" He pinned me down behind the bins of the Spar And injected my forehead with some liquid-tar He said "Hold still, I’ve got a bit of a twitch" Now I’m looking like a gargoyle who’s fallen in a ditch [Chorus] I’ve got bathroom sealant inside of my face I’m a walking, squelching, Newport disgrace My lips are so big I can’t close my own mouth And my left eyebrow is migrating down south (Polyfilla Prince) (Water-resistant) (You knows it) [Verse 2] I walked into the pub and the music just stopped The barmaid screamed and the Guinness just dropped I’ve got a forehead like a cushion and a chin like a ball I look like a melting candle in a drafty hall "Is that a rash?" asked a lady in a cardigan I said "No, it’s a lifestyle, don't start it again" I tried to wink at a girl by the fruit machine But my eyelid is stuck like a rusted latrine Gaz charged me Forty Pounds and a packet of fags Now my face is sagging like a pair of old bags [Chorus] I’ve got bathroom sealant inside of my face I’m a walking, squelching, Newport disgrace My lips are so big I can’t close my own mouth And my left eyebrow is migrating down south (Mold-resistant) (Anti-fungal) (Proper tidy) [Bridge] [Beat Drop] [Slow Heavy Bass with a Sucking Sound Effect] Every time I sneeze, I feel a bit of a "pop" And a bit of white silicone starts to drop From my earlobes and my nostrils and the back of my head I should have just stayed at home in my bed (It’s a DIY disaster) (A structural failure) [Verse 3] I’m Sixty Nine percent sealant and Thirty One man The most synthetic creature in a white transit van I tried to get a refund but Gaz has gone dark Last seen selling "lip-filler" in the municipal park If you want a new look for the Saturday night Don’t let a handyman make you a fright Just embrace the wrinkles and the bags under eyes Instead of letting a crack-head give you a surprise [Outro] (Safe as houses) (Does anyone have a scraper?) (I’m peeling) [Beat Fades Out with a Squish Sound] [Distant Sound of a Van Speeding Away]
