[INTRO — 132 BPM, hard-rocking Celtic-bluegrass. Furious mandolin riff, distorted Telecaster, slap upright bass, pounding drums, fiddle and Hammond B3. Restaurant doorbell jingles.] [ANGUS — spoken, cheerful thick Scottish brogue] Och! What's a laddie gotta do tae get some noodles around here? [LUCIFER — spoken, deep gravelly basso] Well, well, well. You look familiar... [ANGUS — spoken, delighted recognition] LAIRD TUNDERIN' BYE! It's you! Still sore about that mandolin duel? [Full band crashes in. Mandolin plays a mocking victory flourish.] [VERSE 1 — ANGUS, swaggering Celtic-country vocal] I beat ye once with eight wee strings, Sent ye home with scorched-off wings! Now here ye stand with apron tied, Yer horns tucked back, yer wounded pride! Ye lost the tune, ye lost the bet, And by Saint Andrew, ye ain't learned yet! So fetch yer noodles, stir yer pot, And show me what ye've really got! [LUCIFER — snarling] I've got something that'll melt that grin! [ANGUS] Aye? Yer cookin' or yer mandolin? [CHORUS — BOTH, aggressive call-and-response, full band] [LUCIFER] PEPPER X! Straight from Hell! One wee taste and you'll scream and yell! [ANGUS] Bring yer fire, bring yer flame! I'll beat ye twice at yer own game! [BOTH] Strings are screamin', fiddles fly! Smoke is rollin' to the sky! One more round, one more bet— The Devil ain't won nothin' yet! [INSTRUMENTAL — 8 bars. Angus's mandolin versus Lucifer's distorted electric guitar. Rapid Celtic runs and bluegrass picking. Hard stop.] [VERSE 2 — LUCIFER, suspicious, accusatory] I know your game, you Highland rat! You've been conspiring, I'll wager that! With Emberz and her twisted crew, She's stealing my trademark, and so are you! She's young, she's pretty, hot as sin, And warped enough to make me grin! You two are working hand in glove— I smell a plot from up above! [ANGUS — spoken, genuinely bewildered] Emberz? Who the bloody hell is Emberz? [LUCIFER — spoken, impatient] Young! Pretty! Hot! And completely warped! [ANGUS — laughing] Och, I dinnae know the lass... But she sounds worth lookin' up! [Mandolin plays a cheeky ascending run. Devil growls.] [VERSE 3 — ANGUS, faster, laughing between lines] Ye think I'm plotting with some lass? I'm only here tae burn me ass! Ye've got a shop, ye've got a brand, And half of Hell at yer command! But every time ye see my face, Ye mind the day ye lost yer place! Now pour that sauce and pass the bowl, Let's see if ye can scorch my soul! [LUCIFER — spoken, ominously] This isn't Carolina Reaper, laddie. This is PEPPER X. [ANGUS — spoken, unimpressed] Och, is that all? I thought ye said it was hot! [BREAKDOWN — 16 bars. Mandolin and distorted Telecaster trade furious solos. Double-time bluegrass banjo joins Celtic fiddle. Drums pound. Sudden silence.] [ANGUS — spoken, after tasting the noodles] ...That's no bad. [LUCIFER — incredulous] NO BAD?! [ANGUS — coughing once, recovering] Could use a wee bit o' salt. [FINAL CHORUS — BOTH, louder, faster, wild Celtic-bluegrass rock] [LUCIFER] PEPPER X! Straight from Hell! [ANGUS] Aye, and ye still cannae play as well! [LUCIFER] I'll burn your tongue, I'll steal your soul! [ANGUS] Then why's yer face as red as coal? [BOTH] Strings are screamin', fiddles fly! Smoke is rollin' to the sky! One more round, one more bet— The Devil ain't won nothin' yet! [OUTRO — Full-speed Celtic-bluegrass instrumental. Angus's mandolin defeats Lucifer's guitar in a final dazzling run. Band stops dead.] [LUCIFER — furious, spoken] GET OUT OF MY SHOP! [ANGUS — spoken, cheerful] Aye, right after dessert! [One final mandolin flourish. Doorbell jingles.] [LUCIFER — distant shout] AND STAY AWAY FROM EMBERZ! [ANGUS — laughing as he leaves] SEND ME HER NUMBER! [END — hard stop, no repeats.]
