# DON’T SQUASH YOUR NUTS ON A WOODEN STOOL [Verse 1] We were drinking down at Uncle Mick’s, Where the floorboards lean and the jukebox skips. Alan walked in with Alice behind, Both carrying pool cues and looking refined. Alan said, “Bud bottle,” and pulled up a chair, Alice said, “Captain and Coke—and don’t skimp anywhere.” Everything seemed almost normal and cool, Till somebody climbed on a wooden stool. [Chorus] Don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool, That ain’t brave—it’s just damn fool. Keep both feet planted, follow the rule: Don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool. Raise your glass, but protect the jewels, Gravity’s mean and furniture’s cruel. You can act like Tigger, you can bounce like a fool— Just don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool! [Verse 2] Alice yelled, “I’m Tigger!” and started to spring, Bouncing through the bar like an orange-striped thing. She knocked over Alan, two drinks, and a rack, Then landed in the corner and bounced right back. She hollered, “The wonderful thing about me—” Then crashed through a table by quarter past three. Alan raised his pool cue and shouted, “That’s cool!” Then sat down too fast on a splintered stool. [Chorus] Don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool, That ain’t brave—it’s just damn fool. Keep both feet planted, follow the rule: Don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool. Raise your glass, but protect the jewels, Gravity’s mean and furniture’s cruel. You can act like Tigger, you can bounce like a fool— Just don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool! [Verse 3] Then the blue lights flashed through the smoky front door, And six nervous cops came charging across the floor. The bartender asked, “What the hell did we do?” They said, “We’re looking for Jesus—have you seen him come through?” Old Mick pointed left toward the restroom hall, Said, “I saw a long-haired fellow writing peace on the wall.” The cops found a guy named Jesús playing pool, While Alan sat crying on that goddamn stool. [Bridge — Spoken] The captain asked, “Sir, are you Jesus?” Jesús said, “No, but I can make that seven-ten split rise again.” Alice bounced past yelling, “Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” And Alan whispered, “Somebody bring me ice.” [Breakdown] Bud bottle—Captain and Coke! Tigger’s loose and the pool cue broke! Cops found Jesús, but Alan learned: Wooden stools are how nuts get burned! [Final Chorus] Don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool, That ain’t brave—it’s just damn fool. At Uncle Mick’s, that’s the number-one rule: Don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool. Raise your glass to the bruised and fooled, To Alice the Tigger and Jesús playing pool. You can drink, you can dance, you can act uncool— But don’t squash your nuts on a wooden stool! [Outro] At Uncle Mick’s when the night gets weird, Keep your drink held high and your valuables cleared. Amen, hallelujah, remember the rule: **DON’T SQUASH YOUR NUTS ON A WOODEN STOOL!** **Suno prompt:** Rowdy comedic barroom rock, crunchy electric guitar, pounding piano, walking bass, energetic live drums, rough male lead vocal, drunken gang vocals in the chorus, playful spoken bridge, catchy pub singalong, fast and ridiculous without sounding like children’s music.
