[Epic Orchestral Intro — Choirs, Thunder, Distant War Drums] NARRATOR: On this day, the heavens tremble. The battlefield falls silent. Opposers look toward the horizon... And they see her name appear: LOLA. Her name means DEATH ON THE BATTLEFIELD. And today... SHE HAS A BIRTHDAY. [VERSE 1 — THE ARRIVAL] The gates swing wide, the warning bells ring, The enemy knows what the battlefield brings. A shadow appears, and the brave start to flee, Because Lola has ported in — and death has arrived, you see! Armor prepared, battle plans laid, Every opponent immediately afraid. The opposition whispers, "Oh God... not her." While her comrades roar: "LET'S FUCKING GO, LOLA! GET IN THERE!" [CHORUS — FULL EPIC METAL] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOLA! FEROCIOUS QUEEN OF WAR! When you port onto the battlefield, They don't fight anymore! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOLA! Let every enemy know: When DEATH ON THE BATTLEFIELD arrives, YOU'RE FUCKED — HERE WE GO! LOLA! LOLA! The warriors scream her name! LOLA! LOLA! Bring the pain and bring the flame! [VERSE 2 — THE COMRADES] But those who fight beside her Know exactly what she's worth. They cheer when Lola joins the fight, Because somebody has to make the enemy hurt. She doesn't need a battle cry, She doesn't need a grand parade. She ports in... AND THE BATTLE PLAN IS MADE. Comrades raise their weapons, The alliance starts to roar, Because when Lola hits the battlefield, THE ENEMY PRAYS FOR WAR TO BE OVER. [BRIDGE — QUIET, DRAMATIC] But even warriors... Need a birthday cake. Even legends... Need a feast. And somewhere far from the battlefield, A son enters the kitchen. He opens the oven. He pulls out the sacred dish. LASAGNA. For this is not merely dinner. This is tradition. This is family. This... IS LOLA'S BIRTHDAY. [VERSE 3 — THE SACRED LASAGNA] Her son makes lasagna, As he has done before. A birthday tradition forged in love, Worth fighting even more for. Layers of pasta. Cheese stacked high. Sauce like crimson battlefields Underneath the birthday sky. No crown could ever match it. No treasure could compare. Because the greatest warriors know... The greatest victories are the ones you share. [BREAKDOWN — EXTREMELY SERIOUS] SHE IS LOLA. SHE IS DEATH. SHE IS FEROCIOUS. SHE IS FEARED. SHE IS LOVED. SHE IS CRAZY. And fortunately... She is not alone. Because she belongs to... E.P.I.C. EVERY. PLAYER. IS. CRAZY. [FINAL CHORUS — EVERYONE SINGING] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOLA! Raise your weapons to the sky! Let the battlefield remember The warrior who will never die! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOLA! Let the whole alliance know: When Lola ports into the fight... THE ENEMY HAS NOWHERE TO GO! LOLA! LOLA! Death upon the battlefield! LOLA! LOLA! Her legend never yields! LOLA! LOLA! Lasagna on the plate! LOLA! LOLA! WE CELEBRATE HER FATE! [OUTRO — CHOIR FADES, ONE DEEP VOICE] Today, we do not mourn the fallen. Today, we celebrate the warrior. Today, we celebrate the mother. Today, we celebrate the legend. Today... We celebrate Lola. So raise your glasses. Raise your weapons. Raise your forks. The lasagna is ready. The alliance is assembled. And somewhere... An opponent has just realized... IT'S LOLA'S BIRTHDAY. RUN. RUN NOW. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOLA! E.P.I.C. — EVERY PLAYER IS CRAZY!
