[Intro: Wurlitzer solo, slap bass, subdued, Eb Ab Fm7 Bb] See the problem with A-I Is everybody wants to charge you for it But the models keep coming out for free When say you're a researcher [Pause] So I became a researcher [Verse 2: grooving, children's choir, Fm7 Bb Eb] Took me forty minutes Created a GitHub account Wrote a one-page research proposal My bio is a Latin phrase I found online "Scientia pecunia est" (knowledge is money) [Pause] I made that up But who's checking [Horn stab] [Chorus: Subdued, Rhodes and clavinet, Eb Ab Fm7 Bb] I'm just doin' research baby Well, not me, but my team Buncha nerds workin on the math It's purely academic I'm just doin' research baby Well, not me, but my team Buncha nerds workin on the math It's purely academic [Verse 3: tighter, wah guitar, breathing room, Ab Bb Eb] I run an empirical study on market dynamics Using real commercial data From real production users Paying real fuckin' money In a research study on makin' honey [Breakdown] It's peer reviewed (by me) It's published (on my website) It's research, baby - on making money! [Clavinet fill] [Verse 4: tighter, wah guitar, breathing room, Ab Bb Eb] Every lab will drop a model Licensed "research only, non-commercial use" And I say "absolutely" It's a study On how users interact with the model In a commercial environment Producing that juicy, commercial revenue We're doing market research, oh yeah! [Verse 5: darker, still groovy, breathing room, Eb Fm7] My research paper is forty pages Thirty of 'em are just latex Three hundred equations that don't mean a thing Just that Greek letters aesthetic Gotta keep Reviewer Two busy for a month Chasing down a missing variable It's a masterpiece of wasting time While I keep cashing the checks [Pause] [Chorus] [Clavinet solo: Fm7 Bb Eb Ab] [Verse 6: building, full groove, breathing room, Ab Bb Eb] The lab's got three employees My nephew (compliance) My daughter (ethics board) One's a chatbot (that's the peer review) He's just got good ideas [Clavinet fill] We hold quarterly meetings At a restaurant I like And we review the data Which is the revenue Which is growing Which means the research is going well We're gonna publish soon, our investors gonna swoon [Pause] Science has never been so profitable [Bridge: stripped, just bass and Rhodes, Fm7 to Eb] A real researcher emailed me once Said "I read your paper" I said "which one" He said "there's only one" I said "further study required" He said "this is just an A-P-I wrapper With a university logo" Ain't it grand? What ya gonna do about it? [Pause] They always stop emailing after ya drop that line [Verse 7: full groove, momentum, Ab Bb Eb Fm7] Meta drops a model (research purposes) I deploy it Monday (empirical study) Revenue by Wednesday (study purposes) License violation by Friday (allegedly) [Pause] But you can't violate a license If you're conducting research And you're always conducting research Because the money IS the data And the data IS the research [Pause] I have a flow chart if you need one Made by Gemini 3 Pro [Chorus: big, legato, Eb Ab Fm7 Bb] It's just research baby Always has been Every dollar is a data point Every user a participant Every invoice a citation (validation) And every cease and desist Is a peer review I didn't ask for But I'm grateful for the feedback It's research baby [Outro: Rhodes alone, bass fading, Eb] The institute has been operating For eleven months Revenue is extraordinary The paper is unchanged "Further study required" [Long Pause] It'll always be required We're open to funding opportunities, by the way [Pause] That's the beauty of an open question [Wah guitar — last note, fading] Tax deductible, too God bless the five-oh-one-see-three. [End]
0/500