The Offertory of the Winds

[Intro | solo male cantor | a cappella | stone cathedral | long reverb | solemn] O brothers. Draw nigh. And let us number the winds that no man may claim. [Antiphon | full monastic choir | stacked octaves | unison chant | vast hall reverb] Gloria in fartissimo. Et in tergo pax. From the pew, from the stall, from the hidden place, all winds return unto stone. [SFX | wet fart | cathedral slap | four second stone echo | choir holds the last vowel through it] Prrrrt— (echo... echo... echo...) [Verse 1 | solo male cantor | resonant baritone | free rhythm | chant] First is the Herald, the trumpet of the hall, a ripping banner none may hide. Then cometh the Squeaker, thin as a mouse in the cloister wall. Then the Silent Mercy, which hath no sound, yet slayeth the brother beside thee. And the Wet Benediction, which is not prayer, and is not forgiven. [Antiphon | full monastic choir | stacked octaves | hall reverb | long decay] Gloria in fartissimo. Et in tergo pax. From the pew, from the stall, from the hidden place, all winds return unto stone. [SFX | wet fart | cathedral slap | four second stone echo] Prrrrt— (echo... echo... echo...) [Verse 2 | solo male cantor | chant | slightly more ornate melisma on last line] Blessed is the One-Cheek Sneak, who lifteth but a hem of the robe. Cursed is the Dutch Oven, who trapeth a brother beneath the wool. The Crop Duster walketh through the market and leaveth a psalm in his wake. The Elevator Angel waiteth for the doors, then giveth the gift, and steppeth out in grace. [Antiphon | full monastic choir | stacked octaves | louder choir | longer echo] Gloria in fartissimo. Et in tergo pax. From the pew, from the stall, from the hidden place, all winds return unto stone. [SFX | bigger wet fart | vaulted slap | six second decay] Prrrrt— (echo... echo... echo...) [Verse 3 | solo male cantor | intimate | still sacred | no smirk] And there is a wind that cometh not from the cloister gate, but from the garden of the body. The Queef, the soft surprise, the little gasp of the inner court. No trumpet. No shame in the ledger of heaven. Only a whisper that saith: even holy places keep a draft. [Antiphon | full monastic choir | stacked octaves | choir almost laughing but staying holy] Gloria in fartissimo. Et in tergo pax. From the pew, from the stall, from the hidden place, all winds return unto stone. [SFX | short puckered fart then long nave echo] Prrp— (echo... echo... echo...) [Responsory | cantor then stacked choir | call and response] Cantor: Who shall escape the wind? Choir: No man. No nun. No saint. Cantor: Who shall deny the wind? Choir: He who just did it. Cantor: And the last shall be first, Choir: and the first shall blame the dog. [Doxology | full choir | stacked octaves | slow | maximum cathedral reverb] Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Spirit that moved upon the waters and also upon the bench. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without wipe. Amen. [Outro | SFX | the great cathedral fart | wet attack | huge stone tail | monks hum a drone underneath | fade into echo only] Prrrrrrrt— (echo) (echo) (echo) Amen.