Still as old furniture, with a vacant gaze. I'd try to disappear, to simply erase. Hated the sunrise, to face another day. Exhausted by hurt that never waned. I'd cry often, never got used to the pain. ‘Til I’d hear Dad say “Man up”, then reach for his belt again. I'd keep the tears for the rain to hide, and over the years I tucked my harms deep away inside. I was starved for warmth but fear savoured and anger thrived. Save your pity, it's far too late for a saviour to arrive. Crawled through Hell, barely clinging to this life. But the voices still hound me. All around, they sharpened knives. Raised my fists up for a fight... but I wasn't the one that survived. These violent delights have violent ends Like violet roses in bloom with razor stems I buried bitter thoughts in the soil of revenge Now I wave to an empty room full of all my friends These violent delights have violent ends I learned to smile like a blade in a handshake. Never knew when I made friends or mistakes. Got punched in the teeth and I'd grin through the gore. They never expect a smile back, but I adore the kind of punchline that leaves a few cracks. I held my breath caressing year old scars, confessing, begging to draw death from the tarot cards. Trust is an illusion, it breaks when it bends. Love is a delusion, a leash with a noose at the end. It's hard to sleep, I always wake up at night. Choking on terror, covered in sweat, my skin still scorching from the fire I lit just so I could have some light. (just a little light...) These violent delights have violent ends Like silent lullabies sung to empty beds There's no one really there but we can pretend Peace is a ghost, and I play with the dead These violent delights have violent ends I talk to the walls because they never judge, they just echo back in the only voice that I trust. I talk to myself when I feel fear or to calm my mind, but looking into a mirror doesn't make reflecting any clearer. Don't know what I'm expecting, just jotting in my book and scribbling notes. Writing down questions with no antidotes. Every day pulling strings, going with the flow, center stage in a one man marionette show. Smile set in place, a painted on grin, regrets bleed through broken porcelain skin. These violent delights have violent ends Like defiant prayers left unanswered again and again I built my peace out of fractured lens Saw heaven in the fire and called it a friend I laugh with ghosts that live in my head We toast to the silence of all that's fled. These violent delights have violent ends "Everything is fine", I breathe a lie on the surface. Just don't look beneath, that's where we keep what hurts us.
