[Intro] [8-Bit Power-Up — Fast Drums — Bright FM Lead] Four green mutants. Teenage ninjas. Living underneath the street. Pizza boxes. Sewer hideouts. Everything about 'em screamed elite. Leonardo led with katanas, Donatello brought the brains, Raphael had the attitude, Mikey made "Cowabunga!" reign. [Verse 1] Splinter taught 'em how to fight. Shredder never learned his lesson. Krang was talking from a stomach, Which somehow raised zero questions. Foot Clan coming by the dozen, Bebop, Rocksteady—bring 'em on. Every kid picked their favorite Turtle, Then swore everybody else was wrong. Plastic nunchucks in the living room, Action figures on the floor, Lunchbox packed, cartoons on, And still we wanted more. [Chorus] PIZZA TIME! Turn it up and let 'em fight! Heroes in a half shell Made everything feel right. PIZZA TIME! Man, being a kid was cool— Then somebody handed us the cartridge And completely changed the rules. [Verse 2] N-E-S. Ninja Turtles. This was gonna be the greatest thing. Running rooftops, fighting Foot Soldiers, Taking hits from everything. It was hard, but hard was normal. Lose a Turtle? Switch and go. We'd grind our teeth and keep on playing— We were ninjas. We were pros. Then the screen went blue beneath us. "Okay... swimming. That's not bad." Then we saw the bombs and timer. Then the seaweed started zapping— What the fuck is this? [Pre-Chorus] Dive. Turn. Clip the wall. BZZT. There goes half your health. Swap. Swim. Miss the gap. BZZT. Now go fuck yourself. [Chorus] PIZZA TIME! Where the hell did pizza go? I'm defusing fucking bombs At the bottom of the show! PIZZA TIME! Timer screaming, health bar red— I wanted Shredder, Foot Clan, pizza! WHY AM I DOING THIS INSTEAD? [Verse 3] Electrified seaweed everywhere, Every tunnel way too tight. One bad twitch, another Turtle Gets barbecued beneath the lights. Switch to Leo. Switch to Donnie. Raph is hurt. Mikey, swim! Lean the controller to the left Like somehow that will steer him. One bomb left. I know the route. I've almost got it this time. Timer flashing. Hands are sweating. Just get through that goddamn vine— BZZT. Dead. [Breakdown] [Underwater Alarm — Tempo Tightens — Rapid Arpeggios] WHO DESIGNED THIS FUCKING LEVEL? Who looked at four mutant ninja turtles And thought: "You know what kids need? Underwater bomb disposal." No pizza. No Shredder. No cool shit. Just seaweed, electricity, And a timer saying, "Fuck you, kid." [Final Chorus] PIZZA TIME! Come on—one more goddamn try! Swap the Turtle! Hit the tunnel! Watch the seconds fucking fly! PIZZA TIME! This is it—I know the way! Last bomb waiting just ahead— I'M GONNA BEAT THIS THING TODAY! [False Victory Build] [Music Surges — Heroic Game-Clear Energy] Through the tunnel! Past the current! Health is low but I'm still in! Timer falling— Bomb is waiting— This is where I finally— BZZT. [Outro] [Music Crashes Back to Low-Bit Defeat Theme] Nope. The dam wins. Decades later, that level still sits there, smug as hell, waiting underwater. Pizza. Turtles. Ninjas. Perfect. That level? FUCK THAT LEVEL.
