Christmas Eve lullaby, snarky edition (Remastered)

(Verse 1) Oh, sweet little cherub, just close your eyes tight, Santa won’t visit if you’re up all night. The cookies are gone—don’t ask me why, But if you don’t sleep, he’ll pass us right by. (Chorus) Go to bed, little one, don’t make me plead, Santa’s got deadlines and reindeer to feed. If you stay up, there’s no toys, just coal— And I might sell your favorites to reclaim my soul. (Verse 2) Your uncle is wandering, don’t mind his slur, He’s “spreading the cheer” with a whiskey blur. The dog ate the tinsel, the tree’s on a tilt, And I swear if you bounce, the last ornament’s spilt. (Chorus) Go to bed, little one, please stop the fight, Or Santa might skip us entirely tonight. I’ll auction your toys, don’t think I won’t— I’d love some new slippers; your tantrum? I don’t. (Bridge) Dream of sugarplums, elves, and snow, Not the chaos downstairs where the drama will grow. I’ve taped the wrapping with tears and regret, Now sleep, my sweet gremlin—give me peace yet. (Final Chorus) Go to bed, little one, it’s Christmas Eve, Santa’s on deadline; he’s got to leave. If you keep stalling, your stocking stays bare, And I’ll drink his milk while you cry in despair. (Outro) So hush now, my darling, the night’s almost done, Let me survive this—just this one! In the morning, you’ll wake with gifts all aglow, But only if now you let this parent go!