Tube Chutes & Cash Outflows

[Intro] (Sound of a river splashing, laughter, and a lifeguard whistle blowing) (Loud, harsh electronic buzzer sound cuts it off) Attention floaters: Your free access has expired. Please scan your wristband to continue drifting. Hyper-Link. Corporate takeover. Let's monetize the current. [Verse 1] You think the river is free? You think the water is public? I look at the map and see a brand new tax bracket Floating down the chute, thinking life is a dream Until you hit my toll gate blocking up the stream RFID chips stapled straight to your tube Pay-per-mile drifting, yeah I'm taxing you, dude You want a life jacket? That’s a premium tier I’m charging convenience fees for every single beer The city council signed it, yeah they took the payout A privatized river is what I'm talking about! [Chorus] Tube Chutes and Cash Outflows! Pay your toll before the river flows! Tube Chutes and Cash Outflows! That's how the corporate story goes! No more free rides, swipe your card at the gate Gentrifying currents while you sit there and wait! [Verse 2] I put a turnstile right before the big drop If your account balance dips, the water will stop A VIP fast-pass to skip the tube line While the local residents are paying a fine You used to look at nature, now you look at my ads Billboard projections on the lily pad pads Comal is going broke trying to pay for his float I’m auditing his coolers from my luxury boat The water's getting toxic from the cash I generate An artificial rapid with a surging interest rate! [Chorus] Tube Chutes and Cash Outflows! Pay your toll before the river flows! Tube Chutes and Cash Outflows! That's how the corporate story goes! No more free rides, swipe your card at the gate Gentrifying currents while you sit there and wait! [Instrumental Break] (A 30-second mechanical electronic breakdown mimicking cash registers ringing, coins dropping, and a heavy glitch-hop bassline to extend the track runtime) [Verse 3] I legalized the corporate greed, I banned the local fun A processing fee for sitting out in the sun If you splash too loud, that's a noise violation I'm turning this river into a gated plantation No more cooler tubes, only licensed vendors Micro-transactions for the weekend spenders You came to New Braunfels just to get away But you're financing Hyper-Link's portfolio today The whole river basin is a revenue stream And I'm draining your pockets while I live out the dream! [Bridge] (Music slows down, robotic countdown voice) Insufficent funds. Access denied. Get out of the water. Get off my property. (Beat builds up rapidly with frantic snare rolls) Swipe that card! Pay that fee! [Chorus] Tube Chutes and Cash Outflows! Pay your toll before the river flows! Tube Chutes and Cash Outflows! That's how the corporate story goes! No more free rides, swipe your card at the gate Gentrifying currents while you sit there and wait! [Outro] (Sound of a cash register dinging, followed by a harsh automated voice: "Thank you for your payment. Transaction fee: forty percent.") Every drop of water is a decimal point. Keep floating, Comal. You're paying me by the minute. Hyper-Link out. (Digital coin-drop sound fading into static) [END], [END], [END].