Ain't No Way I Got This

[Verse 1] We told them, “Don’t share hats.” We told them, “No head-to-head.” We sprayed the couch, we washed their sheets, We even boiled Mr. Ted. They looked so smug, scratchin’ no heads, While we were dyin’ inside We found those creepy crawlin' specks And lost our parent pride. [Chorus] We got lice — but they didn’t We’re the ones who itchin’ and they’re sittin’ They're watchin’ movies while we scrub and cry With mayonnaise masks and tears in our eyes We got lice — the shame, the sting Meanwhile they’re out here living like kings It’s not fair, we don’t deserve this plight We did everything right! [Verse 2] We blamed them first, 'cause, of course, we did "Must’ve caught it at recess," we said to the kids But the nurse checked twice, they were all clean Now we’re the ones in the quarantine. They laugh when we pull out the nit comb They record us like it's TikTok gold No hugs for us, no bedtime snugs Just citronella and adult-size bugs. [Chorus] We got lice — but they didn’t They’re playing Minecraft while we repent it We’re the ones in laundry doom Steaming hats in the guest bathroom We got lice — and they’re just fine Living lice-free on Popsicle time It’s not fair, it’s pure injustice Someone call a therapist to trust us… [Bridge – Dramatic Ballad Style] This isn’t what the handbook said It never warned of bugs instead Of wine nights, peace, or grown-up perks Just tiny beasts and itchy shirts. We gave up sleep, gave up dreams For sticker charts and veggie schemes And now this plague — oh sweet delight — They point and say, “You didn’t check right.” [Final Chorus – Slow at first, then triumphant and petty] We got lice — but they didn’t Now we’re the gross ones, fully committed To blow dryers on the highest heat To picking nits in our defeat We got lice — the cruelest twist And they just dance, too clean to be missed It’s not fair, they rub it in… [Outro – Whispered, broken] We do everything for them… …and we still got the lice.