It was working. It was literally just working. I didn't move. I didn't touch anything. …Why. Woke up in the morning, grabbed my phone in bed Opened up my feed and then the little circle spun instead No signal, no connection, just a loading screen of doom I walked three steps to the left and suddenly — VROOM Full bars! Five bars! Beautiful and bright! I stood completely frozen 'cause I didn't wanna lose the light Didn't breathe, didn't blink, didn't dare to move an inch One step to the right and watch those five bars flinch Back to one. Back to none. The WiFi giveth and the WiFi's done I restarted the router like a desperate man Unplugged it, counted ten, plugged it back — new plan Nothing. Counted to thirty. Still nothing. Okay. Forty five. …There it is. …Gone again. Will the real WiFi please stand up, please stand up Connect for more than thirty seconds without giving up I'm standing in the hallway 'cause the living room is dead Will the real WiFi please stand up — or I'm using data instead Will the real WiFi please stand up, please stand up I found one spot that works and now I'm stuck Right here. Don't move. Don't breathe. Don't sneeze. Will the real WiFi please — oh come ON, are you SERIOUS?! There's a corner in my house, right next to the door One foot to the left and you get nothing, nothing more I mapped the whole apartment with my phone held high Found three spots that work — I marked them, don't ask why The bedroom's dead, the bathroom's got two bars The kitchen window hits different like the stars I discovered if I stand beside the microwave I get full signal but my food gets nuked — it's give and take Netflix buffers on the couch, it's a 4K TV But I'm getting dial-up energy, don't look at me I bought a fancy router, cost me half my soul Read the reviews, set it up — still a black hole Called the provider, they said "sounds fine on our end" I said "come to my house and try to download and then tell me that it's fine when you're standing in my hall holding your phone like a torch praying for a signal at all" Will the real WiFi please stand up, please stand up Connect for more than thirty seconds without giving up I'm standing in the hallway 'cause the living room is dead Will the real WiFi please stand up — or I'm using data instead Will the real WiFi please stand up, please stand up I found one spot that works and now I'm stuck Right here. Don't move. Don't breathe. Don't sneeze. Will the real WiFi please — oh come ON, are you SERIOUS?! …You know what the worst part is? When it works… it's FAST. Like, genuinely fast. Lightning fast. Beautiful. Smooth. Perfect. And then… … …it just doesn't. For no reason. No reason at all. It just looks at you and decides… not today. I've tried every channel, 2.4 and 5 One's slower than my grandma, one barely survives I switched to 5GHz 'cause the tech guy said so Walked to the next room and watched the signal go I extended the network, bought a mesh repeater Signal's still patchy but the router looks neater Rearranged the furniture to optimize the waves My living room looks insane but I get better saves I found THE spot — the golden square foot zone Right by the window, doesn't matter if I'm cold I set up a chair, I got a lamp, a little rug My family thinks I'm losing it — I think I'm snug Full bars. Always full bars. Right here. Don't come near. This is my spot now. I live here. Will the real WiFi please stand up, please stand up I've accepted that it won't so I've given up Data plan's unlimited, I checked, we're good Will the real WiFi please… …you know what, forget it. …Hotspot on. …Works perfectly. It always did.
