[INTRO — Traditional Christmas music box plays the familiar Twelve Days melody. Cash register chimes interrupt. Tampa jook 808 bass drops.] [EMBERZ — SPOKEN, DRY HUMOR] So my true love said he wanted to spoil me for Christmas. I said, “Baby, that’s sweet.” I did NOT know this man had twelve days of financial irresponsibility planned. [VERSE 1 — BOUNCY FEMALE RAP-SUNG, PLAYFUL] On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, A smart home camera watching my Christmas tree. On the second day of Christmas, he bought two robot vacuums, Now they’re fighting in the hallway for the same three rooms. On the third day of Christmas, three streaming subscriptions, Two need passwords, one’s got ads and restrictions. On the fourth day of Christmas, four delivery drones, All dropping off packages while I’m trying to be home. [PRE-CHORUS — CLAPS, CASH REGISTER SOUNDS, BELLS] I said, “Baby, I appreciate the thought, But do you have receipts for everything you bought?” He said, “Don’t worry, girl, I got a great deal!” That’s when I saw the credit card bill! [CHORUS — HEAVY TAMPA JOOK, FESTIVE BELLS] Buy it! Wrap it! Ship it overnight! Everybody spending like the world’s ending tonight! Swipe it! Tap it! Put it on a plan! Christmas got a payment and a three-year financing span! More! More! Everybody wants more! Got a mountain of boxes blocking my front door! Love ain’t measured by the money you spend, But try telling that to the algorithm, my friend! [VERSE 2 — FASTER JOOK FLOW, SLEIGH BELLS SYNCOPATED] On the fifth day of Christmas, FIVE SMART GOLD RINGS! They track my sleep and a hundred other things! On the sixth day of Christmas, six phones upgrading, All the old ones working, but the ads keep persuading. On the seventh day of Christmas, seven wellness gadgets, One says breathe, one’s blinking, one says I need better habits. On the eighth day of Christmas, eight influencer boxes, Full of things nobody needs in designer packages. [PRE-CHORUS — BASS BUILDS, COMEDIC EXASPERATION] Got a blender with Bluetooth, a toaster with an app, A pillow that sends notifications when I take a nap. Every single gadget needs a monthly fee, And none of these subscriptions are paying ME! [CHORUS — FULL BASS, COWBELLS, JINGLING BELLS] Buy it! Wrap it! Ship it overnight! Everybody spending like the world’s ending tonight! Swipe it! Tap it! Put it on a plan! Christmas got a payment and a three-year financing span! More! More! Everybody wants more! Got a mountain of boxes blocking my front door! Love ain’t measured by the money you spend, But try telling that to the algorithm, my friend! [VERSE 3 — CHAOTIC ESCALATION, RAP DELIVERY] On the ninth day of Christmas, nine designer handbags, Eight still got the tags, and seven came in plastic bags. On the tenth day of Christmas, ten fitness subscriptions, Apparently my boyfriend’s got some unsolicited opinions! On the eleventh day of Christmas, eleven smart speakers, All answering at once like a choir of overeager preachers! On the twelfth day of Christmas, TWELVE DELIVERY DRIVERS! Now the neighbors think I’m running an online supplier! [BREAKDOWN — BEAT STOPS, ONLY SLEIGH BELLS AND CASH REGISTER] [EMBERZ — SPOKEN] Twelve drivers. Eleven speakers. Ten fitness plans?! Baby… Are you trying to celebrate Christmas Or open a shopping mall in my living room?! [BRIDGE — WARM KEYS, LIGHT BASS, FEMALE SOUL VOCAL] I remember when a Christmas gift Was something made by hand. A little time, a little thought, Something only we could understand. Now the commercials start in August, And the sales begin in June. We’re buying things to fill the silence In an already crowded room. I don’t need another gadget Telling me how I ought to live. I’d rather have an hour together Than a hundred things to give. [FINAL CHORUS — JOYFUL, FULL TAMPA JOOK, STRONG MELODIC HOOK] Buy it! Wrap it! Ship it overnight! Everybody spending like the world’s ending tonight! Swipe it! Tap it! Put it on a plan! Christmas got a payment and a three-year financing span! More! More! Everybody wants more! Got a mountain of boxes blocking my front door! Love ain’t measured by the money you spend, And that’s a lesson worth remembering, my friend! [OUTRO — MUSIC BOX RETURNS, CASH REGISTER CHIME] [EMBERZ — SPOKEN, EXHAUSTED] So after twelve days, Forty-seven deliveries, Sixteen subscription renewals, And a credit card bill that needs its own therapist… I finally told that man… Next year, baby… JUST SEND ME A GIFT CARD! [END — FINAL BASS HIT, SLEIGH BELL, CASH REGISTER DING]
