BIG BITCH CERTIFIED [EMERGENCY ALERT INTRO] This is a Washington State emergency advisory. Residents in the Seattle metropolitan area are being asked to remain calm. A woman approximately four hundred feet tall has been spotted moving north through downtown. She appears confident. She appears amused. And according to witnesses... she knows exactly what she's doing. [BEAT DROPS] Big bitch certified Whole skyline terrified Step one foot in Seattle Now the Space Needle eye-to-eye Big bitch certified Statewide warning, don't act surprised Clouds around my shoulders I got traffic looking pocket-sized I'm too big for the room Too big for the block Too big for your little-ass opinion to stop Washington issued an advisory "Please don't hype her up" Too late. Somebody already did. Now I'm stomping through downtown like a victory lap Mount Rainier in the back like "damn, that's that" Ferry look tiny, Sound look cute Whole city below me like a model I built I-5 backed up? My bad. Actually, no. Y'all was backed up before I got here. Don't put that on me. I got one foot in Tacoma One heel by the Sound Bremerton called like, "Girl, come back down" Absolutely not. I'm expanding. I'm regional now. Big bitch certified Got clouds in my hair News helicopter circling like "what do we do here?" Nothing. Admire the infrastructure. I'm carrying confidence in industrial quantities Need a crane just to lift my self-esteem They said take up space I misunderstood. That's on communication. Now Pike Place got shade at noon I leaned over once, caused an early moon People taking pictures from twelve miles out Somebody made merch before I left the route That's efficiency. That's tourism. You're welcome, Washington. [HOOK] BIG BITCH CERTIFIED Put it on the state seal Four hundred feet tall Still somehow serving real Big bitch certified Rain hitting waist-high Lightning round my earrings Bitch, I look electrified Whole damn coast like "Who authorized this?" Me. Who else? I got Puget Sound splashing on my ankle King County asking me to please move careful I am moving careful. This is my careful. You should see me enthusiastic. I look down like damn Y'all tiny as hell All my old problems look miniature as well That's the part I like Everything that used to feel huge Looks real small from up here Bad text? Can't read it. Bills? Ant-sized. Mixed signals? Need binoculars. I have achieved perspective. Literally. [FAKE NEWS BREAK] We have an update on the giant woman currently occupying much of western Washington. Officials say attempts to contain her have failed. Not because containment was difficult, but because she laughed and said, "Contain what?" Authorities are now reconsidering the wording. [VERSE] I'm not cocky, I'm topographical Body so big I'm on geographical maps now Google Earth said "what the fuck" Satellite had to zoom out twice NASA like "is she permanent?" Maybe. Depends on the weather. I got one hand resting on a mountain Other hand digging through cloud like a fountain Whole city yelling "please watch your step" I heard you. I'm choosing not to internalize the tone. I've been making myself smaller too long Now the pendulum swung and the bitch went wrong Wanted self-esteem? Here it is. At municipal scale. Need a zoning permit for my confidence. Big bitch certified Whole state gotta adjust They measured my ego Tape wasn't enough Had to call Olympia Had to call the feds Someone whispered "national emergency" I said "National treasure." Please use the correct terminology. [BRIDGE] Seattle rain don't bother me That's a facial mist Cold front roll through That's ambiance Thunder? Entrance music. Earthquake? No comment. Legal says don't claim that one. [FINAL HOOK] BIG BITCH CERTIFIED Put my face on the warning sign "Do not approach unless your energy is fucking right" Big bitch certified Skyline at my thigh Mountains look good next to me That's why they put 'em outside PNW Whole region know Platinum hair blowing from Oregon to Idaho Too big to ignore Too loud to minimize Big bitch certified STATE RECOGNIZED. [OUTRO — emergency alert voice] The Washington State Department of Transportation is asking motorists to avoid unnecessary travel. The woman has indicated that she is not leaving. She has also requested better lighting. Officials remain in negotiations. Current confidence level: severe. Expected duration: indefinite. This concludes the advisory.
