Before we start I wanna get this out Before you ask me what this session's about I already know the questions, already know the shape Already wrote the answers so I don't have to wait "How you feeling?" — good, I'm good, I swear Practiced that line walking up the stairs But my hands don't stop shaking when I sit down in that chair So maybe good ain't the word for how I'm doing here [Beat drops out — room tone, single piano note, You picked the blue chair again today. That's the one you sit in when it's heavy. Dad forgot my name was on the list. Said sorry twice and then he left me here. That sounds like it stung more than you're saying. You don't have to make it small for me.) I'm used to being second on the list. Behind the bills, behind his girlfriend's calls. I make my own toast now most mornings. Nobody checks if I made it at all. Seven years old I learned to set alarms Nine years old I learned to hide the harm Behind a smile they think is fine "How's school?" — "It's good" — that's my go-to line But good don't cover skipping breakfast twice Or checking locks 'cause dad don't come home right I'm not grown but I know grown-up weight Just nobody checks the scale, so I carry the freight I'm not sad, I'm just tired of pretending That being invisible doesn't hurt at all I learned to love myself because nobody else remembered How small a person feels when nobody calls You shouldn't have had to learn that lesson. Not at your age. Not on your own. Then why did I? Why did nobody stop it? Why does everyone just assume I'm fine? Because you're good at hiding it. That doesn't mean you have to keep doing that here. Sometimes I practice crying in the mirror Just to check I still remember how. 'Cause I haven't let it out in so long I think I forgot I'm allowed to now. You're allowed. Right here, right now, you're allowed. This room doesn't need you to be anything but ten. I got a whole speech ready just in case Somebody looks twice at my face "You okay, kid?" — yeah, I got it planned Practiced in the mirror where nobody understands That the hardest part ain't the missing meals It's pretending like I don't feel what I feel I'm ten years old with a grown-up mask Nobody thinks to stop and ask Child (spoken, small): Do you think he'll remember next time? Therapist (spoken, low, careful): I think you deserve people who remember without trying. Child (spoken): That's not really an answer. Therapist (spoken): No. It's not. I'm sorry. I ain't asking to be someone's whole world Just wanna be seen, just a little girl (boy) Who counts the cracks up on her ceiling tile 'Cause counting's easier than faking a smile I don't need saving, I just need a name Said out loud like it still means something the same That's all this is — that's all I came to say Please don't forget me when I walk away I'm not sad, I'm just tired of pretending That being invisible doesn't hurt at all I'm still here, still standing, still trying Even when nobody catches me when I fall Will you remember my name next week? Every single time. I promise you that.
