[Intro] [Acoustic Guitar Strumming] [Record Scratch] (Safe as houses, mate) (Totally dry, mostly) [Verse 1] I’m standing in the queue for the pictures with my bird My stomach makes a sound, the loudest thing you’ve ever heard I’m wearing beige chinos, thirty-four waist, thirty-two leg I should’ve skipped the pickled egg and the fourth lager keg But she looks like an angel, she’s the queen of the estate And I’d rather die than let a little rumble seal my fate My sphincter’s doing overtime, a pressure cooker valve Looking for some dignity that I can try to salvage and salve [Pre-Chorus] [Folk Hop Beat kicks in] [Strummed Chords] The sweat is on my forehead, I’m shaking at the knees I’m praying to the gods of cotton blends and Cheddar cheese (He’s praying to the cheese!) If I let it go right now, it’s a chocolatey disaster But for her, I’ll be a hero, just a very messy master [Chorus] [Huge Future Bass Drop] [Wobble Synth] [Heavy Sidechain] I’ll shart in my chinos, baby, just to stay by your side! A murky brown explosion, nowhere for me to hide! High fidelity filth, in a wide stereo field! My pride is the only thing I’m gonna have to yield! One hundred percent commitment, sixty-nine percent regret! The dampest romantic gesture that you haven’t seen yet! [Verse 2] [Half-time Rap] We’re halfway through the rom-com, I feel the warm embrace Not of your arms, my darling, but a change in solid state It’s spreading like a forest fire across the cotton plain Five Hundred and Sixty millilitres of pure, unadulterated pain You turn to me and smile, saying "You’re the man I love" While I’m praying for a miracle from the Great Big Greggs above The smell is hitting Row Seven, but I’m staying in my seat Sacrificing my laundry just to keep our night sweet [Chorus] [Massive Bass Drop] [Supersaw Chords] I’ll shart in my chinos, baby, just to stay by your side! A murky brown explosion, nowhere for me to hide! High fidelity filth, in a wide stereo field! My pride is the only thing I’m gonna have to yield! One hundred percent commitment, sixty-nine percent regret! The dampest romantic gesture that you haven’t seen yet! [Bridge] [Atmospheric Glitch] (Is it a fart? Is it a ghost?) (It’s a catastrophic failure of the lower host!) I’m walking like a penguin to the Citreon Berlingo Speaking in a squelchy, desperate kind of lingo It’s for you, babe. All for you. (He’s ruined the upholstery!) [Outro] [Acoustic Folk Outro with heavy Bass pulsing] Two lovers and a pair of trousers destined for the bin That’s how you know the true romance is hidden deep within (Deep within!) [Final Glitchy Beat Drop] [End]
