[STATIC] [STATION SWEEPER] [ANNOUNCER - deep FM male] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM! MEATBALL AND THE CRACK! [HIP-HOP BED] [MEATBALL - loud excitable male] Good evening, America! It's eleven thirty-six. Responsible people are asleep, and everyone listening has already made several mistakes. [CRACK - dry tired male] Some of them turned the radio on. [MEATBALL] Exactly! [MESSAGE ALERT] [MEATBALL] Listener says, "Can you please stop shouting?" [CRACK] Reasonable. [MEATBALL, louder] NO! [ROCK STINGER] [MEATBALL] Time for the news. [NEWS STING] [NEWSMAN - formal authoritative male] Good evening. Residents of Upper Snorkleby have been told to stay indoors after the town's automated street cleaner began issuing parking tickets to pedestrians. The council says it is functioning normally. The pedestrians disagree. In West Crumpet, officials opened a new twenty-four-hour emergency center. It closes every evening at six. And in Gristle-on-Moor, authorities are investigating an enormous hole. Officials first called it a pothole. It has now been upgraded to a lake. We go live to Trevor Puddleworth. [STATIC] [TREVOR - nervous male, thin outdoor feed] Good evening. I'm in Lower Dinglewick, where residents are opening the town's first outdoor escalator. [PAUSE] [NEWSMAN] Trevor... you're supposed to be in Gristle-on-Moor. [TREVOR] I'm sorry? [NEWSMAN] The giant hole. [TREVOR] Right. [DEAD AIR] I'm not there. [CRACK] Strong reporting. [MEATBALL] Where ARE you? [TREVOR] Lower Dinglewick. [NEWSMAN] That's two hundred and eighty miles away. [TREVOR] That explains why nobody here knows about the hole. [MEATBALL] What's the escalator for? [TREVOR] Going up. [CRACK] And then? [TREVOR] You walk back down. [LONG SILENCE] [CRACK] Public money well spent. [NEWSMAN] Why did you go there? [TREVOR] It was on my assignment sheet. [PAPER RUSTLE] Wait. I thought this said "Dinglewick." Apparently it says... "BREAKING." [LONG SILENCE] [MEATBALL] Trevor Puddleworth, everybody. [STATIC CUT] [PHONE RING] [MEATBALL] Caller, you're live. [CALLER - nervous female, phone filter] Hello? There's a white van outside my house. [CRACK] Anything written on it? [CALLER] "Definitely Not A Suspicious Van." [PAUSE] [MEATBALL] Well, there you go. [CALLER] There's a man inside looking at me through binoculars. [CRACK] Birdwatching. [CALLER] I'm in my kitchen. [CRACK] Rare kitchen bird. [CALLER] Should I be worried? [MEATBALL] Stay on the line. Commercial! [HARD CUT] [COMMERCIAL IMPACT] [AD ANNOUNCER - huge polished deep male] Were you accused of something you absolutely, definitely, probably did? No witnesses? Excellent. Call DODGE, DENY AND ASSOCIATES. [GUITAR STING] We believe in one simple legal principle: If nobody saw you... you didn't do it. [LAWYER - smooth shady male] And if somebody DID see you... let's discuss their eyesight. [AD ANNOUNCER] Security footage? [LAWYER] Could be anybody. [AD ANNOUNCER] Fingerprints? [LAWYER] Very popular fingers. [AD ANNOUNCER] Your name on the document? [LAWYER] Coincidence. [AD ANNOUNCER] A signed confession? [PAUSE] [LAWYER] We don't love those. [IMPACT] [AD ANNOUNCER] DODGE, DENY AND ASSOCIATES. Because the difference between guilty and not guilty is several thousand dollars an hour. Call ONE EIGHT HUNDRED... NOT ME. [FAST DISCLAIMER MALE] Results not guaranteed. We are not responsible for convictions, witnesses remembering things, camera footage, social-media posts, or you repeatedly saying "I did it." "If nobody saw you, you didn't do it" is not recognized as a legal defense in any jurisdiction we checked. [LAWYER, quietly] We checked three. [COMMERCIAL STING] [AD ANNOUNCER] Dodge, Deny and Associates. You didn't do it. Probably. [HARD CUT] [DEAD AIR] [CRACK] Are we legally allowed to broadcast that? [MEATBALL] They said yes. [CRACK] They're the lawyers from the commercial. [MEATBALL] Exactly. [PHONE BEEP] [CALLER] Hello? I'm still here. [MEATBALL] How's the van? [CALLER] It's gone. [MEATBALL] Problem solved! [CALLER] Now it's across the street. [PAUSE] [CRACK] Technically gone from outside your house. [MEATBALL] And THAT is why we're professionals. [CRACK] We absolutely are not. [ROCK STINGER] [ANNOUNCER - deep FM male] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM. MEATBALL AND THE CRACK. Broadcasting live... for reasons currently under investigation. [STATIC] [END]
