[Intro - Sing Spoken, rowdy fiddle] [Voice: Gravelly Southern storyteller] Well, the Devil had a stallion, Meaner than a three-legged bitch in heat. He'd bucked off every demon in Hell And stomped their asses into the street. So the Devil put out a challenge, Said, "I'll bet my golden throne! Ain't a cowboy north of brimstone Can ride this bastard home!" Well, word got up to a stablehand Who was drunk behind the barn. He spit his chew and scratched his ass, Said, "Hell, that sounds like fun!" [Verse 1 - Outlaw country shuffle] [808: Heavy hoofbeat] [606: Rattling shuffle] He'd been mucking stalls since sunrise, Had horse shit up his knees, When Satan came around the corner Smelling like Rotten Flesh. Said, "Boy, I've got a stallion That'll knock you on your ass!" The stablehand said, "Well, no shit, Does he eat alfalfa grass?" The Devil said, "He's pure damn evil! He's got lightning in his veins!" The stablehand said, "Sounds like a gelding That's been locked up thirty days!" [Chorus - Screaming fiddle, dirty rock guitars] [Voice: Rowdy shouted singalong] The stablehand went down to Hell, With a flask and half a chew! Said, "I heard you got a bronc down here That'll kick the shit outta me!" The Devil said, "I'll take your soul!" He said, "Well, get in line! The IRS already owns my ass, And the bank's got what's behind!" [Fiddle and guitar duel] [Verse 2 - Devil growls, cowboy wisecracks] They led that black horse from the flames, He stood eighteen hands high. Had smoke rolling from his nostrils And murder in his eye. He kicked the gate clean off its hinges, Sent a demon fucking through the wall. The stablehand said, "Well, I'll be god damned, He's prettier than y'all!" The Devil grabbed a bullwhip, Said, "I'll make that asshole of bastard bow!" The stablehand slapped it from his hand, Said, "Put that fucking shit down NOW!" [Music stops] "You've been beating him like a red headed step child, Then wondering why he's mean. Hell, I'd kick your ass myself If you treated me like a bitch!" [Chorus - Full band, stomping 808] The stablehand went down to Hell, With a flask and half a chew! Said, "I heard you got a bronc down here That'll kick the shit outta you!" The Devil said, "I'll take your soul!" He said, "Well, get in line! My truck needs four new tires, And I'm three damn bills behind!" [Bridge - Spoken, fiddle duel] [Voice: Devil booming, stablehand dry and sarcastic] The Devil said, "You think you're smart? Then climb aboard that beast!" The stablehand said, "You dumb son of a bitch, Could you let him breathe at least?" He stepped inside that fiery pen, While the demons placed their bets. One said, "Twenty bucks he dies!" Another said, "Not yet!" [Horse snorts; sudden silence] The horse snorted, pinned his ears, And showed a mouthful of teeth. The stablehand said, "Buddy, I get it. I'd bite him too, the ugly fuck." [Verse 3 - Fast hillbilly patter, blazing fiddle] [808: Galloping sub-bass] Well, the Devil started hollering, "Get on him! Show some balls!" The stablehand said, "Keep running your mouth, I'll hang yours on the wall!" He stood there calm and easy, Let that old black stallion think. Then the horse walked up beside him And tried to steal his drink! The stablehand started laughing, Said, "You thieving little shit! You're just like every horse I've known, And I think you're gonna fit!" [Dead stop] The Devil screamed, "THAT'S CHEATING! YOU DIDN'T EVEN RIDE!" The stablehand said, "Nobody said I had to, You red-assed, horn-headed pile of shit with a wink!" [Fiddle explodes] [Final Chorus - Full band, double fiddle, heavy 808] The stablehand went down to Hell, And stole the Devil's show! Didn't need no whip or chain To make that black horse go! The Devil lost his golden throne, His temper, and his pride! The stablehand said, "Keep your kingdom, I just came to claim my ride!" [Outro - Spoken, sparse fiddle] The Devil said, "Well, I'll be damned!" The stablehand said, "You already are." [Fiddle pluck] The Devil said, "You can't take my horse!" The stablehand said, "Funny thing about that…" "He ain't your horse anymore." "He's standing over here with me." "And by the way…" "Your barn smells like shit." [Fiddle sting] "Come on, big fella. Let's get the hell outta Hell." [Horse neighs] "AND SOMEBODY GET THAT DEVIL A DAMN MUCK FORK!" [Wild fiddle flourish, horse gallops] [End]
