[Verse 1: Ozark hill-country male MC, nasal twang, stomping kick, dark banjo] Uncle Dale runs the hayride every fall off County Nine Eight dollars at the gate and they're wrapped around the sign I'm the kid who drives the tractor and there's one rule on the hitch Painted white in Uncle's letters, and it's never had a glitch "Count the heads at the gate, boy, count 'em out and count 'em in Don't you count the hands or boots, just the heads, and then begin" Thirty-one tonight, I run the flashlight down the hay Ball caps, pigtails, city couple, church folks out of Thayer Then I pull out for the hollow where the Miller boys hide With their rubber masks and air horns, and the screamin' starts outside [Hook: Ozark MC, heavy, floor toms] Thirty-one went out, and the headcount's right Flashlight down the wagon, thirty-one in the light Uncle said count heads, 'cause a head can't lie Thirty-one heads, so why's the wagon ridin' low tonight [Verse 2: Ozark MC, faster] Down the hollow by the creek where the phones all lose their bars Past the Miller boys in masks jumpin' out of rusted cars Folks are screamin' like they paid to, 'cause they did, that's the deal Then we hit the low spot by the old Pruitt place, and I feel The whole wagon sink an inch like somebody climbed aboard I look back and it's just fog hangin' low on every board Ain't nobody paid to stand there, that stretch ain't on the tour Uncle never built a station by the Pruitts', that's for sure So I tell myself it's ruts, it's the cold, it's the axle and the frost And I drive the last half mile like a boy who ain't lost [Verse 3: tritone turn, the banjo slides to a sour tritone as the Ozark MC counts] Back inside the gate I do it right, I do it twice Thirty-one heads, and Uncle's grinnin', sayin' "Nice" But somethin' in me counts the boots, I couldn't tell you why Sixty-four boots in the hay, and I can't make 'em lie Sixty-four is thirty-two, and thirty-two's one too many There's a fella in the back in a long coat, and his collar's empty Nothin' sittin' on his shoulders but the fog and the moon And a feed sack in his lap, and it's hummin' Uncle's tune He steps down off the wagon like a man who knows the way Tips the sack at me polite, says "Good ride, I'll see y'all Saturday" [Hook: Ozark MC, every drum in] Thirty-one went out, and the headcount's right Flashlight down the wagon, thirty-one in the light Uncle said count heads, 'cause a head can't lie Thirty-one heads, so why's the wagon ridin' low tonight [Outro: Ozark MC, flat and cold] Uncle painted a new rule underneath the old in white Count the heads and count the boots, and I count 'em twice a night [End]
