Citizens! Caesar... orders the assault. This is not a meal... this is a Campaign. We are done... with the polite little patties... that apologize for existing. We are done with the orange... plastic cheese... that tastes of nothing... but regret. Here is the battle plan... for "The Carnivore's Siege Engine." The Proper Burger. Phase One... The Foundation. Citizens... do not bring me lean mince. Lean mince is for cobblers... to re-sole shoes with. We need Fat. We need twenty percent fat... minimum. Form the patties thick... Do not handle them too much... you want a loose structure... not a dense puck. The Cook. Salt the beef exterior heavily... just before it hits the iron. High heat. Do. Not. Press. Down. Listen to me... If you press the burger... you are squeezing out its soul. We want a hard... dark crust outside... And a medium-rare interior... that weeps when cut. Phase Two... The Escalation. Consider the melting point. We are not using "American Slices"... We are adults. Use a cheese with backbone. A mature Cheddar... or better yet... a Blue. Stilton... or Roquefort. Crumble it on the hot patty... and let it slump... into the crevices. And The Bacon... It must be streaky. It must be cooked... until it is rigid. It should shatter... when you look at it... sternly. Phase Three... The Mortar. The Bun must be Brioche... or a sturdy seeded roll. Most importantly... Toast... the cut sides. If you put a juicy burger on raw bread... the bread dissolves. That... is structural failure. The Sauces... Make these... not from a bottle... you know the recipes by now. Mayonnaise... ketchup... mustard... a dash of pickle juice... a pinch of smoked paprika. Do not be shy. Apply it with a trowel... It should be threatening... to drip onto the board. Phase Four... The Flanks. Chips. Not "fries"... Chips. Thick-cut... Chonky. Triple-cooked... so the outside is glass... and the inside is mash. Onion Rings... Thick slices of onion... in a batter that crunches audibly. Stack them high. They are the watchtowers... of this fortress. And Salad... A token gesture of greenery. It exists purely... for plausible deniability. Phase Five... The Engagement. Assemble the tower. Skewer it through the center... or it will slide into oblivion. Serve it on a wooden board... plates are too civilized for this work. Provide a stack of napkins. As you can see... dignity is not an option here. Roll up your sleeves. Attack. Eat. Carry on... if you can... citizen.
